When the insurance company wants a diagram of the accident…👇
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I drank my recommended amount of water today, yay!
Okay, well there was some vodka mixed in every cup, but still.
DOCTOR: have you been drinking enough fluids?
ME: that’s literally all I drink
Sea snails hide in their shells because they are self-conches.
wife: know what today is?
me: yep
wife: on 2
together: 1, 2
wife: Happy Anniver..
me: 3 MONTHS UNTIL..
wife:..sary
me:
wife:
me: ..Santa
I failed a history exam, stood-up my girlfriend and accidentally bought a packet of figs today because I’m terrible with dates.
The only way to protect ourselves from eagle attacks is of course MORE eagles. Fill our homes with these gentle, knife clawed birds of prey.
My foot just now fell asleep which means I’ve finally gained its trust.
Got my blood test results back today, and it’s just as I had feared 🙁
My body is filled with a lot of blood!
“I promise to defend you from a zombie apocalypse or alien invasion, but if it’s a werewolf attack, it’s every man for himself.”
“The bride has also written her own vows.”
I’m barely awake and already my toddler is crying because I won’t put him in the trash can
“you’re the biggest narcissist i’ve ever encountered!”
why are you making this about you?
Was Earth Day something that happened by accident or did somebody planet?
Instead of sending a letter in a bottle, go one step further. Bottle up all your feelings, then throw yourself out into the ocean.
I’m always tonguing my cyanide tooth in case someone wants to tell me about their journey.
wife left me because I wouldn’t stop referring to bread as “acoustic toast”
I just apologized profusely to a spider as I was killing it. The spider is also Canadian so it said “oh yeah no for sure, it’s ok.”
‘I like the smell of your meat’ may not have been the best greeting to the hot waiter at the BBQ joint I picked for lunch.
Me: I’m going to be late.
Boss, over the phone: What happened?!
Me, stuck up to my neck in rice: Well, funny story…I couldn’t find a towel.
Every time I think the younger generation is stupid, I remind myself that we took a long time to figure out that WWF was all fixed !!
I am the boss of me. And my wife is my boss’s boss.
Imagine falling in love with someone and then finding out they say “worthwild”
Anyone wanna buy 7 gently used pies?
I just found out that there’s a dating site for people with mullets and the people who love them. Lol! *looks over shoulder* *signs up*
REPORTER: Tell us about the movie
ACTOR: oh man so many pranks
R: But the movie itself
A: lot of pranks
R: The director-
A: we played pranks
BaD BoY!!
Reason 5,746 why parents drink- my kids are fighting over whose horse is going faster on the same merry-go-round
11: He shoots for her coffee. He SCORES! HE’S…
Me: Grounded.
Mars rover quietly killing whatever life it finds.
Cop: You been drinking?
Me: No.
Cop: Say the alphabet backwards.
Me: Alphabet the.
Cop: Hilarious. Say each letter.
Me: Each letter.
Whenever I’m about to give a speech in front of an audience, I imagine myself naked.
Wait, what