@VerbsRProudest: One time I knocked my hot curling iron off the sink & caught it in my open palm because I have the catlike reflexes of a dim-witted ninja.
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@DrDogMD: PATIENT: Since I got this new job my feet are killing me. DR DOG: What's your job? PATIENT: Mailman DR DOG: *chases him out of room barking*
@eliserose5: If you are older than 17 and have mad love for Justin Bieber ,you are the reason whales are the most intelligent species.
@loudmouth_usa: TSA Agent (looking at my ID): Is this you? Me: I believe that is ultimately your decision to make sir.