doctor: you’re completely blind
me: what are you saying
doctor: april fools lol you’re actually deaf
doctor: oh right
One time I knocked my hot curling iron off the sink & caught it in my open palm because I have the catlike reflexes of a dim-witted ninja.
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It may have looked like I was doing crunches but I was just trying to get up.
me: thinking about getting into necrophilia
her: over my dead body
me: that’s the spirit
FIREFIGHTER: You need to get out of here [dodges falling support beam] right now!
ME: [staring at toaster waiting for pop tart] come on come on
You gotta admit that humans are the ultimate #1 lifeform because we’re essentially half mermaid but we also have legs for kicking and stuff.
JUDGE: put ur hand on this book and promise not to lie
PERSON WHO IS IN COURT LITERALY FOR LYING ABOUT THINGS: uh…… ok
“my phone is vibrating”
want me to create a distraction so you can answer it?
“no, are you craz-
*points at casket* HE BLINKED
My mother has been called for jury duty. The woman sits on her deck w/a BB gun shooting at deer for eating her flowers. Buckle up defendants
I’m doing it doggy style today. Lying on the couch not doing a damn thing. I will bark if you knock on the door.
If you added too much cornstarch I feel bad for you hon
I got 99 problems, but a bisque ain’t one