One time I knocked my hot curling iron off the sink & caught it in my open palm because I have the catlike reflexes of a dim-witted ninja.
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wife: please be nice to my sister-in-law.
me: i’ll treat her like my own blood.
sister-in-law: hey guys.
me: [screams and passes out]
*Prosecution lawyer paints white stripe on otter*
DEFENCE LAWYER: Objection, Your Honour. He’s clearly badgering the witness.
Mom said angels are watching over me I’m just afraid they’re taking notes to make sure I go to hell.
Distance is my jam, solitude is my peanut butter.
Blew out my flip flop…
Instead of sending friends Christmas cards, is it ok If I return the ones I got and just add the words “Me too”?
Fool me once shame on you
Fool me 307 times you must be a suitcase on the baggage carousel that looks like mine.
9yo: My least favorite letter is “c” because it’s not fair that it can be an “s” or “k” sound.
Me:
9yo:
Me: Can I go back to sleep now?
I can’t grow a hair on my head but overnight I can grow a four inch long single eyebrow hair
I always say I heat up pizza rolls in the oven because they taste better that way but the truth is the amount of them I eat won’t fit in the toaster
Neighbor: OMG your yard looks amazing
Me: thanks, I pee in it every Saturday night
Me: asks my oldest son to do anything at all
Him: plays dead
SON: do you HAVE to walk around in just underwear?
DAD: I will if I want. now get me a beer
SON: what aisle?
DAD: do I LOOK like I work here?
My son just demanded to be changed into different pajamas for breakfast.
Thanks, royal baby.
God: I made something new. It’s like a tornado, but smaller.
Angel: What do you call it?
God: A toddler.
My cell phone fell in the pool…now I know what it feels like to have someone you love drown.
why just edible underwear? why not an entire edible wardrobe? i wanna eat a parka off my wife before sex
I can’t believe that somebody abandoned this perfectly good clothes rack.
Relationship status~ Siri saw my browser history & now she isn’t talking to me either
My kid just told me he needs to take 120 of something to school tomorrow, so his choices are cheerios or my tears
The book I checked out of the library is so stained and gross, it looks like someone used it recently to deliver a foal.
There was a fire at the Yankee Candle store. 8 killed. 19 injured. 1200 soothed.
Shout out to the top 5 suits in the world, 3-piece, zoot, swim, law and birthday.
Dear Religion,
Pics or it didn’t happen.
Love, Science
freak people out in public restrooms by saying “come in” when they knock on the stall door
No one ever seems to break their legs when they drop from a portal in the sky.
I was working in the yard.
Out of the corner of my eye I saw a snake.
I hit it with a shovel.
I’m happy to report the garden hose is dead
HER: It’s a gender reveal party.
ME: To tell the sex of the baby.
HER: You have to stop calling it a sex party.
My teen daughter: “Mom, check out the new shirt I bought! It was only $3.00!!”
Me: “It’s because the bottom half is missing.”
Me sliding into hell like