One time I made a snowman and gave him a cucumber nose. Carrot noses are the standard protocol but I’m what u would call a rebel.
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[post sex]
Her: I wonder what he’s thinking about, I hope it wasn’t bad
Me: if you made tea from lizards it’d be called chamomeleon
I’m happy my date didn’t snoop in my medicine cabinet but sad I spent an hour setting up 40 ping pong balls in there for nothing
ME: I’d like to buy some underwear.
CLERK: Satin?
ME: No, new please.
best thing about being a parent is having to convince my kids to drink water, like I’m on the goddamn marketing team for something they need for survival
[dressed like Slave Leia]
Them: Haha ready for Halloween?
Me: Halloween?
Me: Wanna go for a wa—
Dog: [has already brought me leash, phone, travel water bowl, passport]
Army barbers get paid to shave their privates.
“Hey Alexa, didn’t I unplug you?”
Alexa: *cackles maniacally*
If a tarantula lived in a flower pot it would be a hairy potter
I say, “know what I mean?” A lot for someone who doesn’t even know what I mean.
Got tazed at the zoo again for telling a group of kids that the dominant male in a pride of lions was called ‘The Mane Man’.
I don’t think it is fair God plays for the Seahawks, seems like an unfair advantage.
My sex face is the same as my first pee in three hours face.
Tonight’s special:
Hummus-fed pigeon leg, rolled in coffee grinds, served on a bed of fresh lawn clippings
$105– Fancy restaurants
…a dentist on a toothpaste commercial with stethoscope around neck…, if my dentist started to listen to my heart I would freak out.
If your FedEx driver isn’t hot, move to a house with a hot driver on that route.
Y’all will never guess what her husband bought her. I’m hollering!!
dads be like “go help your mother” bro go help your wife
Finally got my treadmill setup. I can start making excuses why I’m not using it starting tomorrow.
I’m not alone. I have ants.
Waiter: How did you find your meal, sir?
Me: Yeah, it was nice.
Waiter: That’s not what I meant and you know it.
Me: Another waiter told me where you hid it.
*gets pulled over by police*
*shows a little skin*
Officer: “Who’s skin is that? Please step out of the vehicle sir.”
[planning a heist]
Guy: it’s gonna be an inside job
Me, hates going outside: nice
I flunked out of flight attendant school.
I was told to disarm the doors, so I said they looked fabulous and were clearly going places.
Stop telling people to cut toxic relationships out of their lives! I’m starting to run out of friends you guys.
hey sory i just saw this mesage u sent last month even tho all my notifications make sounds and my phone is in my hand even when im sleeping
I’m eating quinoa for lunch so I better wake up skinny tomorrow because I’m not doing this again
Insanity [in•san•i•ty] (noun): Doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results
See Also: Going back to your ex
*plays imperial death march on the kazoo*