HIM: Your profile says you like Shakespeare. What’s your favorite?
ME [nervous]: Uh…William?
One time, I pulled my pants down to moon someone & accidentally opened the car door instead of the window & rolled down the street naked.
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[puts in hearing aid]
aids aids aids aids aids
[takes out hearing aid]
If you love someone, set them on fire. If they don’t come back they aren’t a phoenix and were completely useless to you anyway.
I would describe most of my social interactions at parties as “when you turn on the kitchen faucet and the water hits a spoon in the sink”
I hate when I’m on a date and my mom reaches over and pushes my hair from my face.
That escalated quickly
– Me to 4 unamused strangers on the Mall escalator.
R.I.P. 2013 (2013-2013)
[Chasing a dog on my bike]
Me *breathlessly* how is he reaching the pedals?!
A friend’s father had been using LOL to mean lots of love. This explained such messages as “Your grandmother’s in the hospital. LOL.”
Bro: Dude, is this YOUR Shakira CD???
Me: What? No….it’s my wife’s…..
Hips: No…. It’s his…
Me: Shut up Hips!