@squirrel74wkgn

One time, I pulled my pants down to moon someone & accidentally opened the car door instead of the window & rolled down the street naked.

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@rachelle_mandik

{first date}

HIM: Your profile says you like Shakespeare. What’s your favorite?
ME [nervous]: Uh…William?

@RatCasket

[puts in hearing aid]
aids aids aids aids aids
[takes out hearing aid]

@vultural

If you love someone, set them on fire. If they don’t come back they aren’t a phoenix and were completely useless to you anyway.

@chimneyspotter

I would describe most of my social interactions at parties as “when you turn on the kitchen faucet and the water hits a spoon in the sink”

@JustSnow3

I hate when I’m on a date and my mom reaches over and pushes my hair from my face.

@Social_Mime

That escalated quickly

– Me to 4 unamused strangers on the Mall escalator.

@ArfMeasures

[Chasing a dog on my bike]

Me *breathlessly* how is he reaching the pedals?!

@NeinQuarterly

A friend’s father had been using LOL to mean lots of love. This explained such messages as “Your grandmother’s in the hospital. LOL.”

@WilliamRodgers

Bro: Dude, is this YOUR Shakira CD???

Me: What? No….it’s my wife’s…..

Hips: No…. It’s his…

Me: Shut up Hips!