One time, I pulled my pants down to moon someone & accidentally opened the car door instead of the window & rolled down the street naked.

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{first date}

HIM: Your profile says you like Shakespeare. What’s your favorite?
ME [nervous]: Uh…William?


[puts in hearing aid]
aids aids aids aids aids
[takes out hearing aid]


If you love someone, set them on fire. If they don’t come back they aren’t a phoenix and were completely useless to you anyway.


I would describe most of my social interactions at parties as “when you turn on the kitchen faucet and the water hits a spoon in the sink”


I hate when I’m on a date and my mom reaches over and pushes my hair from my face.


That escalated quickly

– Me to 4 unamused strangers on the Mall escalator.


[Chasing a dog on my bike]

Me *breathlessly* how is he reaching the pedals?!


A friend’s father had been using LOL to mean lots of love. This explained such messages as “Your grandmother’s in the hospital. LOL.”


Bro: Dude, is this YOUR Shakira CD???

Me: What? No….it’s my wife’s…..

Hips: No…. It’s his…

Me: Shut up Hips!