One time I put the burnt side of a grilled cheese face down on my child’s plate and almost got away with it.
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“I raised you better than that!!!!” you very obviously did not
Nothing.
I like to cook for a man when I first start dating him.
That way he’ll be disappointed from the start.
Not just when he sees me naked.
My kid just ended a call with his teacher by saying “this call has been going on a bit too long bye” and honestly, goals.
One time I put the burnt side of a grilled cheese face down on my child’s plate and almost got away with it.
7-year-old: I don’t want mashed potatoes.
Me: They’re just like French fries.
7: Then give me French fries.
There’s a flaw in her logic, but I can’t find it.
The only reason I’m on LinkedIn is to find employed dates for the weekends.
I predict that the Institute for the Future won’t exist in five years time.
Stop saying “you can’t make this stuff up“. You can make anything up. Watch this: a breakdancing beaver wearing a top hat. A peanut butter and thumbtack sandwich. A baby doing calculus. It’s easy.
“Disney movies promote false images of the friendliness of woodland creatures,” I mutter after each rabies shot.
Tell her she looks tired. Chicks love being told they look tired.
Be specific when saying “BYOB”:
[bursts into house]
Hey, I brought beers!
*7 pastors wives shut their Bibles disapprovingly*
This day in history. 1844. Morse sent the first telegraph message WHAT HATH GOD WROUGHT? to Alfred Vail who replied I AM NOT WEARING PANTS.
Signed up for the gym because I heard about leg day and hoped I’d pick up a new leg. But all that happened was that it made my remaining leg ache for two days.
ONLINE BOYFRIEND: “Why do you have so many socks?”
ME: [hiding my octopus tentacles while on webcam] “Haha, no reason. They are just fun to have.”
My wife is trying to turn on Alexa but keeps calling her Siri haha now I don’t feel as bad about last night.
CASHIER: *squinting at credit card* Bruce Wayne, huh?
BATMAN: shit
Eels, the slap bracelets of the sea.
My blow up doll has started wheezing and she’s loosing weight rapidly. Getting very concerned.
My son asked me where babies come from. He so silly, babies are too young to come.
My wife’s story about her day had 18 sub plots, two false finishes, buried the lead and introduced a new character in the third act.
Got introduced to a person at work then immediately forgot his name, so now I have to hire a private investigator to follow him home and find out his name because I am a guy and guys will never admit we forgot your name
Phone: face not recognized
Me: *starts crying*
Phone: Ahh there it is
Relationship status: my last pickpocket had really gentle hands.
I miss Taco Bell so much that tonight I drank a bottle of gorilla laxative.
BREAKING: DirecTV subscribers lose The Weather Channel over fee dispute. Luckily, subscribers will keep windows, which they can look out of.
One time I overheard my coworker answer a question with ‘I don’t know, I was in Prague’ so that’s my go to now whenever I don’t have the answer to a question.
[GOP Debate]
MODERATOR: this question is for Senator Cruz. How will you handle zodiackillersayswhat?
CRUZ: what?
MODERATOR: I knew it!
Shuffling into the kitchen in a robe Sunday morning to change the clock on the microwave is the lamest form of time travel ever.
My first crush was a cartoon lion and I often wonder how he’s doing today