One time I ran into an old friend and she said “omg you haven’t met my baby” and i said “omg I had no idea” and the next day I went to her house with a baby gift and her baby was a goddamn cat.
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Tried to type “I’m on my way” and autocorrect changed it to “I’m in my way” and that is probably way more accurate.
Her: You don’t have to cook me dinner, we can just go out.
Me *tossing a jellyfish in the air like pizza dough* No it’s fine I don’t mind..
I thought “ghosting” was when you slowly tricked someone you didn’t like into thinking their apartment was haunted until they moved far away
God: *reading from clipboard* The snout on the elephant isn’t working so we need to replace it before release.
Angel: One step ahead of you!
God: What did you do?!
Elephant: Quack
“Can you describe your self in two words?”
– Lazy.
What idiot called it “learning to be patient” and not “gaining wait”?
The TV show Reacher answers the age-old question: what if there was a really big guy
Megaman is such a hard game! I’ve beaten Ice Man & Fire man but this guy just shoots me before I can even move. How do I beat Zimmer Man?
her: go on, thrust your fist in deep enough to make the eyes spin
me: I never realised ventriloquism school would be so hard
I come from a long line of successful people.
I decided to stop that tradition.
My six year old just hissed at me. I’m either doing this parenting thing right, or horribly, horribly wrong.
If you have a horse and you didn’t name it Edgar Allan Pony, we can’t be friends.
me; I bought a gun because of my bird phobia
therapist: you might be getting carried away
me: *firing into the ceiling* not without a fight
What if death changed its name to Jeff and you had to say things like I can’t wait for the sweet release of Jeff.
There was a sudden Jeff in the family
Only two things in life are certain: Jeff and taxes
wife [whispers] Josh
me
wife *nudges me* Josh
me: Huh? What?
wife: You were explaining the plot to Space Jam in your sleep again
I don’t know who you are, but if you don’t stop sending me phone books, I will find you…..and I will kill you.
The sun got the nerve to be out.
Don’t just stand there, DO SOMETHING
It’s my patriotic duty to eat bbq and wave sparklers this weekend. Don’t wreck it with words like “calorie count” and “hair on fire”.
Hugh Laurie auditioned for the role of a British detective, but a House is not a Holmes.
[having a heart attack in a restaurant] Tell my wife… I had a salad
“ok start it up”
tktktk-puh-buurup-chk-a-chk
“give it some gas”
ss-ss-icka-icka-grrawh-pshhhh
any ideas?
“I can’t hear over you beatboxing”
What’s going on? Why does the internet keep showing me videos of people chopping wood? Did I check a box for wood chopping somewhere?
Me: I’m in such a happy mood right now!
Female reproductive system: Hold my beer
I like in RPGs when you kill a wild animal and it has, like, $5 and a spoon on it for some reason
*chases cat around the house with a lint roller
ME: it’s rude to stare
THE ABYSS: you started it
Me trying to look natural in photos
Her: you look better without your glasses
Me: oh thanks! You look better without my glasses too!
Please do not shout “2020” in a crowded theater.
If I had a time machine I’d bring all the Home Depot skeletons I could find to the Victorian age and surround a village with them while they all slept