I quit drinking & people laughed at me. Now the iPhone 7 is here and I get to sell a clean & pure Liver. The joke is now on them.
One time I saw a biker’s funeral procession and realized even dead people are cooler than me.
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My wife is not satisfied with my assurances that the spider is dead. I must also produce a death certificate, pictures from the funeral and the names and addresses of next of kin.
Sometimes words are just not enough
And for such occasions, I have this flamethrower
every time someone says “don’t give homeless people money, they’ll spend it on drugs” it’s like… so will I though??
Danny Zuko: I got chills, they’re multiplying…
Sandy: Gross. You probably have a stomach bug.
“You wastrel” I scream after pausing to look up bad person in my thesaurus.
How to stop checking someone’s Facebook page:
1. Delete your Facebook profile
2. Break your phone
3. Give away your laptop
*On a first date.
Her: I’m just tired of all the games
Me: *slowly slides the deck of UNO cards back in my coat pocket
tinder girl: are you just copy and pasting your responses to other women?
me: lol you’re hilarious. i didn’t grow up in the area but love the music scene out here haha
In a restaurant if there’s a crying kid the parents don’t take outside, they got 10 minutes before I bread it, dip it, then eat it.