One time I saw a biker’s funeral procession and realized even dead people are cooler than me.

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I quit drinking & people laughed at me. Now the iPhone 7 is here and I get to sell a clean & pure Liver. The joke is now on them.


My wife is not satisfied with my assurances that the spider is dead. I must also produce a death certificate, pictures from the funeral and the names and addresses of next of kin.


Sometimes words are just not enough

And for such occasions, I have this flamethrower


every time someone says “don’t give homeless people money, they’ll spend it on drugs” it’s like… so will I though??


Danny Zuko: I got chills, they’re multiplying…
Sandy: Gross. You probably have a stomach bug.


“You wastrel” I scream after pausing to look up bad person in my thesaurus.


How to stop checking someone’s Facebook page:

1. Delete your Facebook profile
2. Break your phone
3. Give away your laptop
4. Die


*On a first date.

Her: I’m just tired of all the games

Me: *slowly slides the deck of UNO cards back in my coat pocket


tinder girl: are you just copy and pasting your responses to other women?

me: lol you’re hilarious. i didn’t grow up in the area but love the music scene out here haha


In a restaurant if there’s a crying kid the parents don’t take outside, they got 10 minutes before I bread it, dip it, then eat it.