@dulcetry

One time I saw a biker’s funeral procession and realized even dead people are cooler than me.

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@fowlerism

[Beautiful woman doing bench press at the gym]

HER: four… five… *struggling* a little help please

ME: six

@robots_feel

doctor: you have a disease which makes you speak in palindromes

me: wow

doctor: the good news is it’s not serious

me: yay

doctor: the bad news is you’ve just given it to me

me: i did, did i?

doctor: dammit i’m mad

@markleggett

You can eat up to three spiders every night in your sleep, except on “cheat days” when you can eat as many as you like.

@basit_saeed

When people fall with their iPhone 6 in pocket and hear a crack sound:
“Please let it be my leg, Lord.”

@Book_Krazy

Me: [walks up to boss] *SLAP*

Boss: WTH?!

Me: It’s Natl Bully Month

Boss: No, it’s Natl Bully PREVENTION Month!

Me: well this is awkward

@AndyAsAdjective

This is probably a controversial take but I think the sanitation worker responsible for garbage collection on Sesame Street should be fired.

@Midgetspar

It takes two months to get fat and two years to get in shape.

Science is a lie.

@Brianhopecomedy

Came back from the doctor and told my wife that I was perfectly healthy and I could’ve sworn she mouthed the word “crap”.

@jonnysun

if u went back in time to kill hitler, itd be easier to kil pre-war hitler but then all the germans woud b like “yo why did u kill that kid”

@Kyle_Raney

Subway Guy: Enjoy your sandwich

Me: You too!

Subway Guy:

Me:

Me: *gives him my sandwich* this is yours now