One time I saw a biker’s funeral procession and realized even dead people are cooler than me.

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[Beautiful woman doing bench press at the gym]

HER: four… five… *struggling* a little help please

ME: six


doctor: you have a disease which makes you speak in palindromes

me: wow

doctor: the good news is it’s not serious

me: yay

doctor: the bad news is you’ve just given it to me

me: i did, did i?

doctor: dammit i’m mad


You can eat up to three spiders every night in your sleep, except on “cheat days” when you can eat as many as you like.


When people fall with their iPhone 6 in pocket and hear a crack sound:
“Please let it be my leg, Lord.”


Me: [walks up to boss] *SLAP*

Boss: WTH?!

Me: It’s Natl Bully Month

Boss: No, it’s Natl Bully PREVENTION Month!

Me: well this is awkward


This is probably a controversial take but I think the sanitation worker responsible for garbage collection on Sesame Street should be fired.


It takes two months to get fat and two years to get in shape.

Science is a lie.


Came back from the doctor and told my wife that I was perfectly healthy and I could’ve sworn she mouthed the word “crap”.


if u went back in time to kill hitler, itd be easier to kil pre-war hitler but then all the germans woud b like “yo why did u kill that kid”


Subway Guy: Enjoy your sandwich

Me: You too!

Subway Guy:


Me: *gives him my sandwich* this is yours now