One time I saw a biker’s funeral procession and realized even dead people are cooler than me.
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ME: i love you
HER: i love you too
ME: …ok wow i put my heart on the line and you’re telling me your favorite band
*detective bangs on table*
I SAID GIVE ME A NAME!
“Uh, Aaron?”
Aaron… I like it!
*’Aaron’ leaves interrogation room, ready for a new life*
Girls are like strawberries. Sometimes they’re at the grocery store
Lost my pet unicorn.
If you find it, please share your drugs.
“I do not negotiate with little kids”
My husband, right before he broke down and gave the kid what he wanted
[ SEXT ]
Me: Hey naughty girl, what are you wearing right now?
Her: Footed pajamas
M: …
H: …
M: …
H: …
M: K, gnight
I am very, very sick but a neighbor just rode his bike down the street screaming “WE ARE NOT GETTING ANY MORE ANIMALS!!!” while being chased by his 3 small children on their (decreasingly smaller) bikes who kept chanting “HAMSTER! HAMSTER! HAMSTER!” and I had to share
Cleanliness is next to Godliness because this is a small library.
“I could probz bench press, like, five of you”-me talking to a cool squirrel I just met
“You’ll never get the butt you want by sitting on the one you have.”
-Maya Angelou
The other day I walked past a neighbor’s house and the parrot on their porch whistled at me.
If I were a therapist, I would prescribe this to everyone with depression, every day, forever.
BRB gonna walk past my neighbor’s house
A lot of people don’t know this but the couch that played coffee shop couch in Friends is a couch in real life too
7: is it tomorrow yet?
Me: nope, it’s still today.
7: aww
FRIEND: What do you think?
ME: *passing joint* Hell yes!
Got out of the car and dropped my keys in the gutter. They landed next to my mind, which I thought I’d lost.
Her: My father is very upset that I’m your girlfriend.
Me: Well, duh, I’m very upset that you’re my girlfriend…
Yesterday my son told me I was the funniest person he knows which was so sweet. Then he asked for twenty dollars.
“Are u going to the circus?” is a perfectly good sentence when not used as a follow-up 2 your wife’s question: “how does my make-up look?”
[Me to the second baseman after I slide into 2nd] Make sure u separate plastics & food waste
[Coach from dugout] NOT THAT KIND OF TRASH TALK
Imagining serif fonts taking off their little hats and shoes when they get home from work
[astronaut test]
Before you begin, questions?
[hand raised]
“Is it true the moon is cheese?”
Are you that damn mouse again?
[mouse runs out]
Of all the dinosaurs at yoga class, T-Rex was the worst at downward-facing dog.
When you go out with a couple on the brink of divorce.
Are you having a nice Tuesday or did your daughter remember this morning that she volunteered to bring 150 baby carrots to school today?
How to kill a spider: get a piece of tissue paper, approach it slowly, and very carefully, burn the house down.
Me: Do you have this in my size? I’m a medium.
Shop assistant: Oh, well you tell me then.
[Youth Pastor voice] You know who else got a surprise visit from the authorities?
Her: What’s with the bunny?
Him: I’m teaching him to look into the mirror and say, “you talkin’ to me?”
Her: Why?
Him: Because Rabbit Deniro is a badass and an artist, Lauren.
[teaching teen to drive]
Me: I’ve been waiting for this moment for a long time, sweetie.
Teen: Shouldn’t you be sitting in the passenger seat?
Me: No, this seat is better. *begins kicking her seat*
him: what are you looking for on this dating site?
me: someone who will hold the cats down so I can take pics of them wearing sunglasses.