One time I saw a biker’s funeral procession and realized even dead people are cooler than me.
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I’m giving up ice.
Earth Day implies the existence of Noseth Day and Throatth Day
tried to blow dust off my phone and spat all over it
so yeah, i’m adorable
Damn boy, are you leftover pizza in the fridge? Because I’ve been thinking about you all night…
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date: when the waiter said there’s your food, did you say “okey dokey”?
Me: ok you heard that
You can’t ban me from your neighborhood just because I “look scary” and “want to kill you.”
That’s discrimination.
17 year old me: *catches Bret Michaels’ sweaty bandana and stuffs it in my mouth*
Todays me: *carries hand sanitizer because of door knobs*
me: I’m becoming very forgetful lately
doctor: can you give me an example
me: of what
The universe: “Everything happens for a reason”
Me:
[dog people] here’s my angel Rex! he knows 19 tricks & brings me my slippers every morning!
[cat people] this is Princess Murder who lets me live with her.she pees on everything i love. her interests include screaming & eating bugs. when she asks me to kill for her i will say yes
Mary on Facebook says this generation is way to reliant on technology…
She then sent me 7 Candy Crush invites
People say having no friends as a child is bad but if I did have friends back then I would never have invented the frisbeerang.
Cat Negotiator: Ok, so we’ll shit in a box in your house and you will clean it up
Humans: And you will be a loyal friend
Cat: hahahaha sure
For most, bikini season lasts a few short summer months, but I catch enough & store them so efficiently I can eat bikini all year round.
Ok, so maybe the best time to break the news about how many years of school there are was NOT after a rough day at kindergarten.
Fun morning at work…does Costco sell voodoo dolls in bulk?
“Okay, Bill, now you’re making it awkward.”
Probably the best newspaper correction ever
#BritishSausageWeek
Am I religious? Not really.
Am I praying nobody else pukes tonight? Lord yes.
Thinking that you’re on speaking terms with God is like finding out you’ve been playing both parts in an episode of “Catfish”
My friend was going on about how too much of anything is bad, so I said that must include talking and hung up the call
I accidentally took an extra step when I reached the top of the stairs and now I’m in a marching band.
Marriage Tip: If your wife goes silent in the middle of an argument, you probably shouldn’t ask if you can go back to mowing lawn.
y’all, I lost my passport two years ago and have been using the same PDF scan as a substitute ever since.
this is where I found it today
Me: *Living in the US for 16 years*
Me: *Calls mom in India everyday 9PM*
Mom: *Everyday* What time is it there?
Welcome to Yoga class. You’ll slowly ease into half splits, and then you’ll remain there for the rest of your life.
The best thing capitalism has done is put a little window on pasta boxes so the noodles can look out at the world.
I got a facial tonight by hovering over the boiling water before throwing in the mac n cheese.
hikers: a yeti oh my god don’t eat us ahhh!
adorable snowman: rawr
hikers: awwww
*starts eating them*
hikers: AWWWW
[at my grandmas house]
MY GRANDMA (not the grandma whose house we’re at but my other grandma): (to my grandma whose house we are at) hey