@crushingbort: one time I saw a cop on a horse start to walk it down some steps and I thought "oh the horse is trained for stairs" and then they both fell
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@BookisherBunny: When life hands you a komodo dragon suddenly the times you got lemons seem pretty cool.
@EvilHeart20: centipede: *gets down on one knee* girlfriend: omg centipede: *puts down second knee* girlfriend: uhm...okay centipede: *puts down third knee* girlfriend: please stop
@Oliviathepig907: I don’t want a sugar daddy but maybe like a sugar buddy. I just hit him up like “Hey how are you today?” and he replies “Doing great thanks for asking here’s $7,000. “
@JumbledButts: STEVE: "Wanna go star gazing tonight?" ME: "What is that? Like a sci fi movie?" S: "No we watch stars." M: "Wars or Trek?"