@crushingbort

one time I saw a cop on a horse start to walk it down some steps and I thought “oh the horse is trained for stairs” and then they both fell

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@KenJennings

If you’re American & I ever hear you use the word “whilst,” this I swear: you will not live to see the 3rd season of Sherlock.

@NewDadNotes

Daughter: dada I’m scared of the dark.

Me: oh honey the dark’s more scared of you than you are of it.

Daughter:

Me: [turns off light] goodnight.

The Dark: oh shit oh shit where’d that creepy little girl go?

@UnderTheJewFro

If someone ever challenges you to a fight, pull your pants off and chase them crotch first. I’m currently undefeated with this method.

@TheGabbieShow

that horrifying moment when a kid asks u to help find his mom bc he was always told if he was lost to ask a grownup & u realize ur a grownup

@jollyrobber

You kids today with your on demand music don’t know the euphoria of hearing your jam come on the radio without the DJ talking over it.

@elunatyk

*My parents at my birth*

Mom: she’s beautiful

Dad: she’s perfect.

Precognitive doctor: One day she will have a “top three” monkey gifs.

@Reverend_Scott

when the cashier tells me my total, I always say, “that was a great year”. depending on how they react to totals like $16.92 or $34.20 tells me if they’re a time traveler or not.

@briangaar

*rises out of ball pit* thanks for agreeing to meet me here

@Tw1tter_K1tten

This medicine says I should not operate heavy machinery, so I guess I won’t be doing laundry for the next two weeks. Safety first.