one time I saw a guy playing with a yoyo walk into a street sign. I laughed so hard that it changed me. It changed everything.
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My son asked me how diarrhea fits into God’s plan for us and I don’t think we’re going back to church anymore.
too old for tik tok, too young for facebook, too weird for linkedin, not weird enough for reddit, too ugly for instagram…where will i go now
Ron Swanson with nurse:
Is there a history of mental health disorders in your family?
“I have an uncle who does yoga”
I’m so damn good at making people mad that even the Dalai Lama would stop meditating to scream at me
Alcohol may not be able to give you a loving hug when you need it but the Liquor Mart employee’s you’re buying it off of sure can.
My son just walked into the room, said hello, asked how I was, then left.
He didn’t actually want anything.
I know! Incredible!
Oh and then I fainted.
One day an iPhone is going to explode, and Android people are going to be like, “Samsung has had this feature for years”.
2yo: Me sick *sneezes in my face*
Me: Oh good, what fun plague am I going to catch now?
If anyone asks me about a movie, I say I only go to movies for the popcorn.
My 5yo wrote the ABCs up and down his leg in permanent marker, it’s pretty much a kindergarten tattoo
Dentist: You grind at night.
Me: Oh, game recognize game.
Gremlins(1984): a shopkeeper with a creature so powerful it could destroy all human life gives it to a 12yo boy. Many lives are lost.(PG13)
I should probably just learn a skill instead of waiting around for a malevolent spirit to take over my consciousness or whatever.
Every history textbook chapter should start with “everyone was just minding their own business, and THEN”
Zoom Staff Meeting
Boss: Everyone staying fit?
Bob: I have a home gym!
Carol: I have Zoom Cross Fit sessions.
Me: I have a vigorous moisturizing routine.
Ma’am, I don’t know why they transferred you to this department, let me transfer you back to the number you first called 30 minutes ago.
Led Zeppelin: And she’s buying a stairway to Heaven…when she gets-
My wife: HOLD ON I HAVE A COUPON
Me: Good morning. Allow me to sprinkle some positivity on this gloomy Monday morning.
HR: You can’t just throw glitter at people.
One good thing about astrology, I can tweet something mean about astrology and astrology Twitter is cool with it. Like I can say, “Cut it out, astrology, you’re embarrassing the planets,” and it gets retweeted 10,000 times, and astrology Twitter is just like: “Are you a Scorpio?”
Me: Then the robber came through the door holding a gun
Cop: Was it a revolver?
Me: No he just pushed it open and walked through like normal
Having a dramatic falling out with somebody is so embarrassing .. people will be like “what happened” and now you have to sound like a 7-year-old
who called it carrying your cell phone in your front pocket instead of hot signals in your area
Turns out my teen wanted to leave for school early so we’d have time to watch Netflix in the car and not because she was eager to get to school. I know this now.
[watching Queer Eye]
tan france on TV: *holding up a shirt* this is ghaaastly. this is the oogliest shirt i have evah seen.
me at home: *looks down* *is wearing the exact same shirt*
You politely tap a jogger with your car one time, and suddenly you get labeled a hero.
My husband is obsessed with keeping our new car in pristine condition, so I carry a little vial of glitter with me at all times in case he pisses me off.
What was the first thing you remember seeing on TV that made you cry? (I mean a scripted show, not a news report.)
Hospitals don’t like it when you unplug things to charge your phone w/ out asking first
why are you, as a wallet company, giving away a $500 gift card? what am i gonna do? buy $500 worth of wallets?