When I’m pushing the twins in the pram and someone asks me if they’re mine
I say ‘no, they’re for my collection’ and run as fast as I can
One time i saw a man eat a whole apple, core and everything. Motherboard and power supply too. The man ate a computer it was horrifying
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My family crest is a hand protectively shielding a slice of pie and a Latin motto that translates as “I’m still working on it.”
Insomnia: Wanna see a magic trick?
Insomnia: Cmon, you know you do
Insomnia: Think of a number between 1 and 10,000
Insomnia: Is it 1?
Insomnia: Is it 2?
Me: …I hate you
Insomnia: Don’t tell me. Is it 4?
For lunch today I ate three lunches.
Friend: I like your blush
Me: Thanks, it’s called Panic Attack
Handy guide to types of moon.
To anyone who will be spending their Valentines Day with their hand, know that you are not alone. I will be there with you, watching.
5yo: knock knock
5: Mom, knock KNOCK
5: I said KNOCK KNOCK!!
Me: Sorry, you know how I feel about answering the door, buddy.
ME: My compliments to the chef.
WAITER: I’ll certainly..
ME: Tell him his ass looks fantastic.
He tripped, and the laundry basket fell to floor, spilling clothes everywhere.
I sat back and watched it all unfold.