One time i saw a man eat a whole apple, core and everything. Motherboard and power supply too. The man ate a computer it was horrifying
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While the loss of Bruce Wayne’s parents was tragic, I’m grateful it happened decades ago and not in 2023 because he just would’ve become a true crime podcaster.
To the people complaining about my tweets. Sorry I’m not justifying your monthly subscription of $0
You can literally say “the night is young” at any time of day or night. Nobody is policing this.
I deserve a reward for backing out of my driveway without hitting one blade of grass, a sprinkler head, or a small tree.
I’m awake.
Please respect my privacy during this difficult time.
Me: happy valentines day
Neil Degrasse Tyson: *slaps heart-shaped box out of my hands* an actual heart is shaped nothing like that
Dear autocorrect,
I’ve never had a “hard duck” in my life.
Quit your shit.
Son your teacher called, she said you wrote “AQUAMAN RULZ” all over your math test. [sigh] First of all, Aquaman doesnt have any good powers
I knew a guy used to trophy hunt corn. Had a necklace of ears.
Came home to find the couch had moved a few inches, and neither the dog nor the cat will look me in the eye now.
[Christina Aguilera begins singing the lyrics ‘You Are Beautiful’ at her concert, notices me in the audience, and abruptly stops]
Going to find a way to reprogram my Alexa so everytime my kids ask it a question it responds with “I don’t know go ask your mother”
It’s important to set goals. You don’t have to accomplish them or anything like that. Just set them.
Sorry I sprayed bug spray in your face. Those fake eyelashes scared the hell out of me.
Can I put on a tinder account that I’ve never lost at Wordle, or is that too hot?
20s wristband:
After hours club.50s wristband:
Colonoscopy at the hospital.
Me: My son is pathologically literal.
“Perhaps he should see a child psychiatrist?”
Me: I think we’ll try an adult doctor first thanks.
You realize kids in other countries make Air Jordan’s and iPhones right?
-Me responding poorly to my kid’s homemade Father’s Day gifts.
When you have kids, “sleeping in” is just lying in bed trying to figure out what that crash was.
Yes I delete tweets when they don’t live up to my expectations.
Just be glad I don’t have kids.
Me: Pick up your toys please.
5yo: Who’s coming over?
“Wow, haha, this is awkward. I didn’t think anyone was home. Uh…oh well…bears gotta maul…amirite?”
Exhausted Parent PSA-
The chance you could mistake a raw chicken sausage for a banana when making a smoothie is small, but not zero.
Toddlers be like, we can do this the hard way or the harder way.
me: what’s your name?
alien: it cannot be pronounced by your earth tongue
me: is it jeff?
alien:
me:
alien: I didn’t know you could do j sounds it actua—it is jeff
If you’re trying to kidnap me, just wave a bag of cookies and throw it in a windowless van. I will happily and hungrily follow.
me: [answers phone in meeting] “this better be important”
wife: “i think we’re having a baby”
me: [sighs] “you told me that 9 months ago”
One of the best things about painting a room is getting to lick the empty paint can when you finish up a gallon.