Relationship status: Putting aloe on the wall and rubbing against it to apply in places that I can’t reach.
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Back seat drivers are all the same..
“Why we going into the woods?” “Let me out”
Martin Shkreli is in jail.
Sorry. No point to make. I just like that sentence.
Me: Have you tried turning it off and on again?
Helicopter pilot: …no.
[playing 7 minutes in heaven]
doctor: ok lol plug him back in now
Just accidentally deleted all my contacts. Best day ever.
Pastor: For better, for worse?
Husbands: Sure.
P: In sickness and in health?
H: Yep.
P: Till death do you part?
H: I do.
P: And also she’s going to want some of your fries even if she doesn’t order her own.
H: Hang on … what?
I received many personality traits from my mom, but she got her short temper from me.
me: my loofah completely fell apart in the shower
prison guard: those are ramen noodles
doctor: “how much exercise do you do per week?”
me: “um.. does sex count?
doctor: “yes”
me: “absolutely none”
[wipes brow]
“Finally finished YouTube.”
Did you know that the sound of fallen leaves scattering across the pavement in the wind sounds just like someone running up behind you in the dark?
Did you also know I can run 83 mph?
Ignoring your kids has become so easy thanks to smart phones. My poor dad spent 18 years staring blankly into space pretending not to hear any question I ever asked, and I don’t know if I’d have that same level of commitment.
Wait for it…😂😂😂😂😂
I’ve been playing the blame game with my wife
I’m losing 1,227,456 to 3
“Mom, I hate the word, ‘Hemorrhoid’. It’s like a weird planet. Hi,I’m Hemorroidian! Or oh no! A hemorrhoid is headed 4 Earth!” -my 12yr old
Keep ignoring my texts and I swear to God I’ll leave a voicemail.
[first date]
HER: ask me anything..
ME: are you paying for dinner?
[funeral]
ME: [giving eulogy] we lost a man, but we gained a corpse
[coming through customs]
Okay Sir 1 last thing before we’re done. Is there anything you’d like to declare?
*slams passport*
“I’ve had sex.”
Horror reviews are my favorite thing because they’ll be like “This book is vile. It gave me mono and siphoned all the gas from my car. It is a literal cursed object and I don’t feel safe around it. Five huge stars.”
[sees some cut grass]
“Nice”
[sees some ripped leaves]
“oh yea”
[sees a twig with a 6 pack]
“holy shit”
Oh, when sharks grow an extra set of teeth it’s “cool” and “neat but when I do it it’s “what’s happening to that man’s face mommy?” and “why is he slinking back into the sewer mommy?”
him: who is your fantasy?
me: huh?
him: who would you like to be stuck in an elevator with?
me: the elevator repair man.
me: these edibles aren’t doing anything
lamp: just give it a little time
There is no amount of money I wouldn’t pay for a remote control that could walk itself over to me from the other side of the room.
me: hey dad will you pass the turkey
dad: *pats belly* I sure hope so son
Snail Boss: under skills you’ve put ‘quick reflexes’
Snail: [2 hours later] that’s right
SB: [3 hours later] holy heck, when can you start?
People like to encourage you with helpful advice like “sing like no one is listening” but hate it when you actually do it in line at the Target checkout
Being a parent to a preteen daughter is fun bc sometimes they’re mad at you for not letting them get a phone but other times they’re even more mad at you for not…[checks notes]…letting them get a pet venomous snake