one time i slam dunked a basketball so good we were out of school for a week people just needed time to process
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Me: I’m really proud of you for keeping your hands to yourself today. What would you like to do as a reward?
2: Hit my brother
The first guy to eat cheese had a creepy hunch that totally paid off
I like to send love notes in my husband’s lunch like SORRY THE BREAD IS STALE MAYBE YOU SHOULD LEARN TO SEAL IT BACK WHEN YOU ARE DONE
Friend: If someone broke into my house, my dog would rip them to shreds.
Me: If someone broke into mine, my dog would make a cheese plate and open a nice bottle of wine.
ME: How much for this aggressive bottle of water?
FIREFIGHTER: Sir that’s a hydrant
In the original fairy tale Goldilocks also reads all their diaries.
Him: tell me about your longest relationship
Me: *thinking furiously* does Windows 95 count?
Hellocination: when you wave at someone thinking they waved at you, but they were waving to someone else.
So…for no good reason a photoshop of a Bison and Sweetums, and probably something that will never be done again.
A tampon just fell out of my bag as I went to pay for something at a garage & a grown man in his construction gear laughed…….at a tampon….
So I looked at him and asked him did he want to keep it since it brought him way more entertainment than it will ever bring me.
You know it’s time for a pedicure when you can exfoliate one foot with the other one
If you don’t have anything nice to say, you’ve come to the right place.
An internet atheist is involved in some kind of drama? No way.
Why would I spend $5 on a bag of apples at the store when I can wear warm fall clothes in 88° weather and pay $36 for our family to pick them ourselves.
My anti theft device in my car is that it’s manual.
16- *bragging about his mustache*
12- Mom’s mustache is way better than yours
Me-
I can’t wait to find out who’s playing Donald Trump in the next season of American Horror Story
I apologise for the way I acted when you said the McRib was back and then told me you were kidding.
Nothing prepared me for the part of adulthood where you look like a baby deer learning to walk every time you get out of bed in the morning.
a nightmare where I’m performing disney on ice – but I don’t know how to do it, so I panic and just fireman-carry my partner around the arena for the entire seven and a half minute song, serenaded by the boos of furious children
push came to shove, and that’s when he realized that he was in a mosh pit
One of the best things about painting a room is getting to lick the empty paint can when you finish up a gallon.
“I…I don’t know, doc. I guess I’m just tired of being pushed around all the time.”
-Revolving Doors
me: what makes you angry
pirate: when someone steals my p
I’ve never held a baby before
“It’ll be fine”
*I accidentally put the baby in a box and mail it to North Korea*
Five second rule? Pfft. What’s the point of having an immune system if you’re not going to use it?
If you like buying other people food and bribing them to eat it, then having kids might be for you.
Nancy Drew and the mystery of is this water or pee
– book #1 of parent series
Yess ocifer b-b-but in dog beers I’ve only had two.