One time I smashed my face into a keyboard and accidentally wrote the fifth Twilight book.
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Airlines trust I can operate an emergency door and usher hundreds of passengers to safety but think I need step by step instructions on buckling a seatbelt.
a cute boy moved in next door and his bedroom window is across from mine, I hope this doesn’t turn into a coming of age film.
One cool thing about being 33 is that people who are 50 think you might as well be 22 and people who are 22 think you might as well be 50
[From Basement]: *scary murdery noise*
Me: oh shit
Me: *makes slightly more scary more murdery noise*
[From Basement]: Oh shit
I leave my vacuum in the middle of the floor at all times so when I have unexpected company I can say I was just about to clean my house.
*waters flowers*
*flowers die**sprays weeds with poison*
*weeds mutate, quadruple in size, grow 3 heads, and start speaking in tongues*
I got dumped by my therapist, she said “ she needs to work on her”
Might start wearing turtlenecks so that when I want someone to stop talking to me, I can just unroll the neck up over my face
I slid my foot into my slipper in the dark this morning and there was a sock laying on it. Let’s just say I didn’t know it was a sock, and I’m happy to report I’ve set a new long jump world record.
“Can I maim myself with it?” – my toddler’s mental checklist before deciding to play with something
wife: Do you want a bowl?
me [eating ice cream out of the carton] Why?
What kind of marriage do the people in tv ads have where one spouse surprises another with a car I mean this is a major financial decision
Woke up naked in my neighbor’s boat again. I’ve got to stop watching titanic when I’m drinking.
“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
” Yes, we arson.”
My husband’s on a work Skype, so every few minutes I silently cross the room behind him dressed as a new character from Wicked.
A family of ducks walks into a church. “Hi, yes, umm…I hear you have a man who turned his body into bread?” The father asks timidly.
Dis earing letters?
There’s an ‘app’ for that.
Airlines need to freakin’ make up their mind abt the temp of the plane once n for all.
1st flight was so freakin’ cold, I could see my soda freeze as I was drinking it n now the 2nd one is throwing so much hot air like I wanna lie naked rn!!!
#travelling
#AmericanAirlines
A long time ago, I learned the importance of just being myself. I think the world would be a better place if everyone would just be myself.
Before you ask me to proofread anything, know that I spent 30 years thinking “FAQs” was short for “Facts”.
Say sliders to drugs
Say no to yes
My wife just asked me why she came home to find marinara sauce all over our sleeping baby’s head. Sorry babe, I’M NOT A DETECTIVE.
“Have you tried drinking more water?”
is the new
“Have you tried turning your computer off and turning it back on again?”
of health advice.
Wife: So what are you going to do in retirement?
Me: My dream is to have my own taco truck.
Wife: You want to run a business?
Me: Business?
I always took the phrase “God moves in mysterious ways” to mean that he walks like a crab.
I hope that when the zombies finally do come, they’re all dyslexic and they only go after Brians.
waiting for the exact moment these birds fall asleep so i can scream profanities at them nonstop for a few hours
A good thing to say to someone who is overindulging at a Chinese restaurant is “hey buddy, it’s called dim sum, not dim all.”
It’s impossible for TWO dudes to ride ONE motorcycle without it looking romantic…
“Paintings or it didn’t happen.” – 1700’s-1920