One time I smashed my face into a keyboard and accidentally wrote the fifth Twilight book.

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Looks like Brenda in Accounting drew on her angry eyebrows today…


In a meeting.

Can I go first? Thanks.

Gets up and leaves.


Instead of catching your child every time they fall, teach them how to effectively execute a tuck and roll.

You’re welcome.


Wife: Valentine’s day is right around the corner.
Me: No worries, so is Wal-Mart.


me: my horse won’t eat
vet: ok there are several-
me: I think he’s a haytheist
vet: you don’t even have a horse do you


I’m alone and trying to fasten a bracelet, so I’ll be 3 hours late for work.


if you ever get caught sleeping on the job… slowly raise your head and say, “in jesus name amen”


Me: how can I prepare for this meeting?

Friend: we can do a mock interview

Me: ok

Friend: why should we hire you

Me: wHy ShOuLd wE HiRe yOu