@erica_rosie

One time I smashed my face into a keyboard and accidentally wrote the fifth Twilight book.

You Might Also Like

@Tammy2Tone

Looks like Brenda in Accounting drew on her angry eyebrows today…

@G96310300

In a meeting.

Can I go first? Thanks.

Gets up and leaves.

@Twtercide

Instead of catching your child every time they fall, teach them how to effectively execute a tuck and roll.

You’re welcome.

@papasuncle

Wife: Valentine’s day is right around the corner.
Me: No worries, so is Wal-Mart.

@DanMentos

me: my horse won’t eat
vet: ok there are several-
me: I think he’s a haytheist
vet:
me:
vet: you don’t even have a horse do you

@BoomBoomBetty

I’m alone and trying to fasten a bracelet, so I’ll be 3 hours late for work.

@iamch0pper

if you ever get caught sleeping on the job… slowly raise your head and say, “in jesus name amen”

@fishbowel

Me: how can I prepare for this meeting?

Friend: we can do a mock interview

Me: ok

Friend: why should we hire you

Me: wHy ShOuLd wE HiRe yOu