One time I threw my cat at a spider so I could escape, but sure I’d love to hold your baby
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[3 guys corner me in an alley]
3G: Bet you’re scared
Me: *shows them my wife’s credit card bills*
3G: *hand over their wallets* holy shit
Grammar: The difference between knowing your shit and knowing you’re shit.
It’s a good thing I’m off for a vacation soon. It took me 15 minutes of her talking about her Volvo before I realized she meant her car
Fan girl on the devil when you arrive in hell by telling him you’re a huge fan of his food cake
Doctor: It’s terrible. You’ve been diagnosed with Tetris.
Me: Doc, I think you mean Tetanus.
Doctor: This is serious!
Me: *neatly wedging myself into the corner of the room* You must be mistaken
This a good idea
it’s fun to mess with teachers by training your kids to review books with terms like “sophomoric” and “pedestrian”
There’s never been a single day in my life when I thought to myself ” thank god the cops are here”
2020: omg we’re entering hell
2021: ok so how do we make hell cozy
ME: Diligently sanitizing countertops, faucets, door knobs, light switches, remote controls, phones, hands,
ALSO ME: Eating a piece of a Kit Kat I dropped on the floor because wasting chocolate? In these times?
I’m not technically a lawyer but I do have 3 court cases next week.
My friend got fired and his boss emailed him to ask about some stuff. He responded by offering a daily consulting rate of 4x his previous salary. LOL
Hey, people who solicit a response via text conversation then disappear for hours, I got one thing to say to you…
I wonder how many medieval chefs were executed because the king’s food taster had food allergies
My talents are so hidden that I can’t even find them
Chewing tobacco is for people who like cigarettes, but are hungry
As a little girl, I dreamt of being whisked away by a handsome prince.
It’s my husband’s dream now.
Life would be so much easier if my cat drove.
[holding my brain upside down, shaking out its pockets] gimme your serotonin nerd
“It’s fine with me if Mom says ok”
– the original two-step verification
Who needs expensive lip plumpers when your toddler can hit you in the face with a toy train for free?
GF: just FYI, my dad teaches at the Naval Academy
[meeting her parents]
ME: [lifting up shirt] does my belly button look weird to you?
tried to blow dust off my phone and spat all over it
so yeah, i’m adorable
There are so many different genres of music nowadays, but most of it could be filed under “Ear Shit”
Im tired of being politically correct. If I want to wish someone a Happy Honda Days, I’m gonna do it. I don’t care what they drive, that’s their problem
Stranger: ma’am do you need medical assistance?
Me: IT’S BEEN A WHILE SINCE I WORE HEELS OK?
[showing my family to coworker]
This is a picture of my daughter & my cat. Mittens & Jack.
“You named your daughter Jack?”
Nope, mittens
A moth is just a butterfly with glasses and its hair up.
Lackadaisical: when you have misplaced your daisical.
I never rule out murder as the crime, even when it’s jaywalking.