One time I was really high and attempted to flush my foot down the toilet. There was no Twitter then, so I’m telling you now.
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chiropractor: so how’s your back been?
backstreet: alright
This is the worst game of Jumanji ever.
I’m such a disaster that 9/11 and The Titanic would go out on a date together and watch a movie about me.
Roger Federer is a bit more than Rog Feder but is less than Rogest Federest
me: *emerging from a ten year coma*
dad: well look who finally got up
Brenda had wanted to surprise her husband with a camouflage theme Christmas tree but it’s almost March and they still can’t find it.
Ladies, it’s 2019. Don’t wait for a guy to call you. Be proactive. Text him. Find your mutuals on FB to message. Kidnap his entire family and don’t release them until he goes on a second date.
[Airport security]
Guard: Your flight leaves in 5 minutes
Centipede: No problem. I’ll just run. I have 100 legs.
Guard: Remove your shoes
we’ve all been home together for a solid week now and my 6-year-old has expressed daily outrage about how the wh- in “whole” is different than in “when” and “why” and now i’m mad about it too
imagine your card gets declined at church and god dies
If by living dangerously you mean eating stuff that upsets my tummy; then yes, I live dangerously
Every time I text this guy, he replies with “Sorry, I’m driving.” It’s been a few days. I’m guessing he’s probably made it to Mexico by now.
St. Valentine’s Day is my favorite holiday that’s named after a massacre.
Eating vegetables is how to achieve inner peas.
Me: I ran into Aryan, who works at the airport
Dad: who?
Me: I ran into that guy who works at that place
Dad: oh Aryan
Wife: Ooh, did you already brush your teeth?!
Me, hiding my 7th Mint Julep: Yesh.
Him: I like it when a girl growls at me
My stomach: *growls*
Him: not like that
Dollar Tree pregnancy tests.
For when you only want to be 35% sure.
Why on earth would anyone even buy a deathbed?
Waiter: what can I get you?
Me: I’ll have what she’s having
Her: two divorces then please
HEY CALEB- YOUR COW IS INFERTILE AND YOUR SISTER LIKES DANCING.
-Amish trash talk
[on a first date]
Her: Have you ate here before?
Me: Yeah, my wife and I come here all the time
We have to ban straws to keep them out of the ocean, because a shark with a mouthful of straws can drain a human of blood in seconds.
Interviewer: Why do you want to work here?
Me: Revenge.
Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, you’ve got 5 more rounds in the chamber. You’ll get that moon eventually. He’ll pay for what he did.
God: you’ll protect your kids by carrying them 3,000 miles to keep them warm
Penguin: got it
God: you get pouches to keep ‘em safe & so they never get lost
Kangaroo: Love it
God: when they get too big just throw them out & hope for the best
Bird: wait, what?
If I win Powerball, I’m having at least six of you killed. Four of you know who you are. I think the other two will be very surprised.
As it turns, all of those signs I drive by on roads and highways have words on them.
On a related note, my new contacts came in.
*waters flowers*
*flowers die**sprays weeds with poison*
*weeds mutate, quadruple in size, grow 3 heads, and start speaking in tongues*