One time I was talking to a really cute med student, we were flirting and laughing and it all looked promising. Then I sat down on a chair and it collapsed under me and shattered.
Anyway that was 26 years ago and I haven’t sat down since.
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[1st date]
Her: so u play piano?
Him: yep
Her: is it hard?
Him: that’s pretty forward but yeah, as a rock
Her: I meant playing piano
Him: oh
Who called it a muzzle and not a hush puppy?
We’ve replaced my roommate’s Sour Cream Pringles with a colony of wasps I’ve been antagonizing for a month. Let’s see if he notices.
Imagine meeting your doppelgänger and they can still eat cheese all day without repercussions
I hate when someone finds out I read the same book they did and thinks we’re in some kind of a gang or something.
i hate i t when girls think im proposing whenever i take the knee at them in protest
I rank my kids by how many chores they do and how much they complain.
My favorite child is the Roomba.
Girl at restaurant: Hey, I like your shoes.
Me: Thanks! I’ll tell my feet.
[Smooth, Brian. Well done!]
Me: What do you think of your haircut?
Wife: I need more volume
Me: WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR HAIRCUT?
9-1-1 what’s ur emergency
“well i guess it’s that one of my friends changed all of my contacts’ phone numbers to 9-1-1.”
My son just complained about how far the guy in his video game has to walk.
We take our lazy seriously around here.
Coke Zero sounds like a government pledge to eliminate fizzy drinks by 2030.
IT’S CHRISTMAS EVE, NOT CHRISTMAS STEVE!!
I went on a date with a young woman who didn’t wanna sneak snacks into the movies. Not sure which direction life has taken her but I hope she’s well because I wasn’t sticking around for that.
I changed my relationship status to “I’m sharpening my knives” on Facebook so my boyfriend’s family will never come visit
Dear diary,
Third date this week that went bad. The tablecloth trick is getting better though. Will try again on my date tomorrow night.
therapist: and how do we react to conflict?
me: with sarcasm?
therapist: try again
me: oh sry how’s this? dEfInItElY nOt WiTh SaRcAsM
therapist: much better
People who live in Lego houses should not walk around without shoes.
“So he tells me he’s been grounded, and I says to him… I says Hank, it’s probably because of your bad altitude!”
ME: what came first the chicken or the egg
FRIEND [putting an ice pack on my head]: I’m not sure, people were throwing so many things at you
Mom: Wanna help gift rap?
Me: In West Philadelphia born and raised on the playgro– oh you mean WRAP? Nah homegirl you’re on your own.
All squirrels fly when you own a T-shirt cannon.
If you stand by and watch someone wreck their life, you’re part of the problem
And yet we all still go to weddings for the open bar
*brings empty Cheetos bag to the pharmacy for a refill*
My birthday’s 9 months after my dad’s. So I have to live with that knowledge.
babe what’s wrong you haven’t moved an inch in six months and you smell really bad
[9 PM, Sunday night]
Child: Oh. I need to bring in 36 cupcakes to school tomorrow.
Sup girl, I hear u like bad boys
*I open the wrong side of juice carton*
*evil spirit flies out*
Oh, so that’s why they say don’t do that