One time I was trying to get a big game to run on an old computer but it didn’t have enough free memory so I compressed the hard drive, twice. That computer never worked again, in case you’re looking for an IT guy.
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Not sure if I washed the spider down the drain in my shower or if he took one look at me naked and then leapt willingly to his death.
A funny thing to do when someone’s dog barks at you is say, “I don’t speak dog,” and then when they leave the room, speak dog fluently.
Approx 4,500yrs ago men would wake up everyday to build the great pyramid. I got up this morning with anxiety about unloading the dishwasher
I am bored. Anyone need anything avenged?
Corona-na-na-na-na Corona-na-na-na-na MASK MAAAAAN
What I said: Please help clean up after dinner.
What my 6yo heard: Commence pirouetting.
me, recommending a book: this book DESTROYED ME. this book RIPPED MY VERY BEING APART. i read the end sobbing in a fetal position on the floor and i didn’t move for three hours. please read it HIGHLY RECOMMEND IT
good morning to everyone except people who do that thing where they sigh louder and louder until someone finally asks what’s wrong
Don’t talk down to me
“Don’t hate me ‘cause you ain’t me.”
“No, I hate you ‘cause you say stuff like that.”
3% human
97% stress
Interviewer : So you’re super fast at math?
Me : Yup
I : Ok, what’s 346×48?
Me : 804
I : That’s not correct
Me : Fast though.
There’s no such thing as a 10 second rule, with a 5 second dog.
Not ALL my jumpsuits are for crime fighting. One is for leisure fighting.
My pantry would give that guy from Sleeping with the Enemy a heart attack.
I’m only two people away from having a love triangle.
This isn’t a bathroom. Go outside if you have to do that. GET THAT OUT OF YOUR MOUTH. Help me help you.
-talking to drunks & puppies
I’ll never forget my 8th grade teacher. She was a 12-foot snake monster. Had 4 heads. Ate 7 desks. Killed a kid. Really made an impression.
Dinner: I BIT THE INSIDE OF MY MOUTH! IT WILL NEVER HEAL! NOTHING WILL EVER BE RIGHT AGAIN!
Next morning: Oh, OK.
*Sees girl trying to reach soup on top shelf*
“Here let me get that” I say [Beacuse I’m much taller]
*I put the soup in my cart & walk away*
If history has taught us anything, I’d be surprised.
SPOILER ALERT ~ In the new Mission: Impossible movie Tom Cruise runs and jumps a lot.
If you forget what it’s like to talk on a Pay Phone, just lick the handle of a shopping cart
why do only doctors get a special hammer for beating people with. I should be allowed to have one of these too
When I was a small child my grandpa would put me on his lap and say: “from the smallest taco seed a great taco tree can grow.” He was a gentle and caring man, but he didn’t know a goddamned thing about tacos
If I could be in two places at once, I’d be in bed twice.
Legend has it if u whisper IKEA 3x in the mirror an extra screw will appear & you’ll be haunted by the piece of furniture you ill-assembled.
Nobody looks that great in a mask but if you have gorgeous eyes and jacked-up teeth this could be your moment.
Welcome to your 50s. Your brain says “Yes,” but your body says “We need to talk.”
What no one in the congregation expected was a reverse rapture that left everyone naked watching their clothes float away.