one time i went to the bathroom and i didn’t know my xbox headset was still on and the other gamers heard me give myself a pep talk
You Might Also Like
I am not saying I am way behind on laundry but the fact that my husband is wearing swim trunks around the house today sure does
[Office]
*Dolphin accidentally dials fax numberFax:EEphkEekakischchEEek
Dolphin:Well, I don’t normally do this. But yes I’m free tonight
A choir of Spring onions
male cult leader: I have received a new revelation from the lord
me: let me guess, he wants you to have multip—
cult leader: I am to have multiple wives
After months of trying, I finally have a runner’s body. His shoes too. Also a really nice pair of headphones & his Fitbit. He was in shape.
So, we tip the pizza delivery guy, but not ambulance drivers.
Life before kids: Owns 1 pair of scissors and knows exactly where they are.
Life after kids: Owns 16 pairs of scissors and has a better chance of seeing God than finding them.
a robber breaking into my house and putting two left shoes on my feet so when I wake up to chase after him I just run in a circle
Pescaterian: eats fish
Pestcaterian: eats insects
Pezcaterian: eats candy from a cartoon character
[15:00]
I’m not really feeling this edible.[15:30]
*trying to order chinese food from starbucks*
*somehow manages to beep at you sarcastically*
Every time I go to bed early my cat decides this is the night she will find and kill god
How dare you call me mentally unstable, on this, the day of my cat’s quinceanera.
Hear me out. A waiting room where the doctors wait.
living in a small apartment and not being able to find something is so embarrassing. like there’s three square feet in here what do you mean you cant find it
I have no problem feeding my kid something that fell on the floor, so I get it, restaurant employees.
[interview to be an undercover agent]
Chief: Janine, can you send in the next applicant
Janine: yes sir; next!
[the large potted plant in the corner of the room stands up]
Chief: Janine, can you send home the remaining applicants
Nothing can destroy your good opinion of a company quicker than working for them.
“Don’t take this the wrong way”
Translation: Prepare for insult.
Boss: I thought I said no costumes this week.
Me: These are my clothes.
[Stranded after plane crash]
ME: We need to choose which one of us to eat firstGUY: But why, pacifically?
ME: Ok I’ve made my choice
All animals are wild animals if you give them tequila and lift up their t-shirts.
Haha I love my wife. I just told her to calm down and now she’s in the backyard digging a 6 feet long hole to calm herself down. What a woman!
Me; Right, some revision?
Son: K
Me: Start with chemistry?
Him: K
Me: Periodic table?
Him: K
Me:What’s the symbol for potassium?
Him: Dunno
[leaving store without bag]
Cashier: Forgetting something?
“Oh wow, how embarrassing”
*walks back to give her a hug and kiss on the lips*
I’m deleting some dumb tweets.
I need all your passwords please.
I always try to put some condom wrappers in my garbage so the raccoons that go through my trash think I’m cool.
My weight? That’s on a need to know basis and I don’t need to know!
“Sarcasm will take you nowhere in the world”, my friend kept saying.
“It got me to the international Sarcasm finals in Monaco in 2017”
“Really “?
“No”
Tired: Turner & Hooch
Wired: