One time in 1997 I forgot to close my air quotes so everything I’ve said since then has been sarcastic
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If human civilization had a narrator it would just be some guy repeating “Little did they know…” over and over and over.
[post-apocalypse open mic]
Me: So…how’s everyone’s bone health tonight? Vitamin D & calcium levels looking gooood??
Crowd: *rickets*
I held a baby today. I was scared it would make me want a baby, but it just made me want to be a baby.
having twitter is just like reading the newspaper except the newspaper is on fire and all the writers hate you
In your 20s you hope you don’t fall for the wrong person, in your 40s you hope you don’t fall in the driveway when nobody’s home.
*in bed*
Him: what’s your fantasy, baby?
Me: Scrooge McDuck but skittles instead of gold
Him: No, like sexual
Me: Scrooge McDuck but skittl-
“Are you carrying any treats, sir?”
“No, I’m not.”
“Cookies? Biscuits?”
“Nope.”
“Please empty your pockets.”
“Listen, I’ve already told you-“
“I’ll also need to check your bag.”
“I don’t think that’s really nec-”
“Sir, I’d advise you not make this any harder than it needs to be.”
I get it. True beauty comes from within. But until true beauty can wear lingerie and give a mean lap dance, I may have a few shallow moments
The seatbelt sensor dinged at my 5yo because he unbuckled while we were parked, and he yelled back MY MOM SAID I COULD OK
Of the 4 people living in this house, I’m the only one who didn’t immediately try to touch the new cactus houseplant.
It would be so much less cinematic if they remade The Crow but it was a movie called The Seagull and it’s just a guy who runs about screaming for no reason and steals people’s food.
WIFE: there’s a bear outside our tent
ME: so
W: so scare him off
M: *unzips door* Donald Trump might become president
*bear jumps into fire*
Oceans 11? When I went to school there were just 5
why tf do americans say tuna fish? like what other types of tuna are there?
I could literally be on fire burning to death and my kids would ask me to open their snack rather than any other adult around.
always humbling that plants that survived whatever killed the dinosaurs cannot survive two weeks under my car
Just spent 5 minutes waving my hands in front of a manual paper towel dispenser if anyone needs someone to take their SAT exam for them.
Holiday anxiety is the most festive of all the anxieties.
That scene in Pulp Fiction where Vincent revives Mia by stabbing her in the chest with an adrenaline shot, except it’s me on a Saturday morning when my kid shoves his finger in my nostril to wake me up.
I found a lost dog whose tag said 905-555-4598. Who would name a dog that?
Jeff Bezos confirms he’s no longer the world’s richest man as Bill Gates has cancelled his Amazon Prime subscription.
Livid.
Me: *opens door*
Jehovah’s Witness: Can I talk to you about the lord?
Me: Can I talk to you about my new keto diet?
Jehova’s Witness: Can we just pretend like I never knocked?
Me: sure
The sadiator games of ancient Rome were deemed too much of a bummer by the emperor and were replaced with the more popular gladiator games.
Walked in for bread, walked out with 6 bottles of wine. Now we’re having communion for dinner.
If you get banned off Twitter now, you get X-communicated
aaaaand send
My 7 year old’s Christmas wish list includes:
– a typewriter
– a boom box for his cassettes
– a book to learn cursive handwriting
– fountain pensWhat year does he live in??
Just found out the hard way that nude yoga is only acceptable when the entire class is doing it