Me: “Want a banana?”
3yo: “Yes, but don’t cut it up. And don’t peel it. And don’t make it be a banana. Make it be a waffle.”
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When algebra teachers retire, how do they deal with the aftermath?
I read that peacocks “are obsessed with food and can become extremely aggressive when you dangle french fries in front of them”.
See you all later. I’m moving in with my new family now.
doctor: I’m afraid it’s bad news
me: oh god
doctor: *hands me test results* you look, I’m too scared
I am a tiny man: when my son was born, the doctor handed me to him
[accidentally glues myself to the side of the house again]
I’m protesting the climate.
I do so love when I’m not on twit for a few hours and when I come back there’s something that everyone’s alluding to and I get to slowly piece together what happened like I’m reading the log on an abandoned ship
I vacuumed up a huge spiderweb & then heard a thump in the workout room.
The spiders are lifting weights before they attack me aren’t they?
Can we stop calling it ‘Breaking news’ and start calling it ‘bloody hell what now’
The more I get to know people, the more I realize why Noah only let animals on the boat.
“Honey, it’s time we talk to him about the roaches & the fleas”
“You mean the birds & the bees?”
“DEAR GOD WOMAN HAVE YOU SEEN HIS ROOM!”
My boyfriend hates my driving, but it’s ok because he’s imaginary.
When my burger was ready, the clerk called out “867?”
I yelled back 5309.
No one laughed.
I am old.
Blind Date: SWEET JESUS I DONT HAVE ANY EYES
Me: Of course you don’t, you’re a date
Blind Date: WHAT
Me: Kind of like a big raisin
Little kids will ask why you’re crying & when you tell them the reason, they say something like “ok can I go finish my drawing?” Yeah go ahead, Dexter
Me: Your dating profile said you’re looking for a girl who knows how to have fun.
Him: Yes! *winks*
Me: [starts taking kittens out of purse]
He’s GUILTY! KILL HIM! Inject poison DIRECTLY INTO HIS VEINS!
But first give him whatever he wants to eat; we’re not savages.
‘Why do people even talk to babies? It’s not like they can understand anything’ I ask my dog.
Ladies, if you think being clumsy is cute, I once stabbed my date in the gums with a fork trying to feed her a bite of spaghetti
The child that I carried in my uterus for 9 months & suffered through 13 hrs of labor for just asked if he could have my pickle.
Hell. No.
I wish mirrors and cameras would get together and figure out what I really look like.
My rose versus your carnation.
FLORAL COMBAT!
I put my fitbit on my ankle so that when I’m out in public I look like a felon who escaped house arrest and people won’t want to talk to me
I’m a kid at heart, an old man at my joints and dead at the pancreas
I’m one of those lucky people that can eat whatever they want and not put on any clothes.
Eggnog is one of my top ten favorite nogs
How to cast a summoning spell to bring your children to you, wherever you are: Watch the first 44 minutes of a 51-minute-long murder mystery.
*waits for a sign*
*dead bird falls from sky*
*waits for another, better sign*
Dating is an expensive way to find out you don’t like someone.
One of my foster dogs chewed up my credit card and now my husband wants to keep him
We all have our weaknesses. Yours are just more obvious.