@ABC7 Move over, pizza rat. 🍕 A Philadelphia woman found a groundhog outside of her home munching on a piece of pizza for over an hour, completely unfazed by her two dogs.
@DustinSiskey One time my 4yr old got so mad at my wife he yelled, “YOU’RE RABBIT FROM WINNIE THE POOH!”
Best.Insult.Ever.
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@ABC7 
@aka_fatman I start undressing you with my eyes. About halfway through, your zipper gets caught on my cornea and I start screaming in agony.
@difficultpatty Demon: So, we’ve got some mayonnaise and potatoes and a few other random things.
Satan: Excellent. Now mix them all together and call it a salad.
@Cpin42 Kill me once, shame on you. That’s pretty much it.
@omgthatspunny 
@joeldanger Dear Satan,
God never healed my dyslexia so I’m looking for new religion. Please send some pamphlets. And tell Rudolph hey.
Love,
Me
@super_morgasm Who does Santa think he is, judging me?! I might be naughty, but he’s fat.
@krisv_723 *seductively unhooks bra, & two cheese balls fall out*
@sofarrsogud My son was like ‘I got a D in my maths’ and I was like ‘That’s really bad’ and my wife was like ‘you need to stop doing his homework’.
@yoyoha Are there any police officers willing to come to my house in uniform and tell my kids that not listening to me is against the law