her: is there a venomous snake loose somewhere in our house?
him: [releasing a mongoose into the air ducts] don’t be ridiculous
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You should marry the first person who can understand what you’re saying while you brush your teeth.
Am I the only one who was a kid in the 80’s that thought I would have more life challenges dealing with quicksand and lava?
Don’t you hate it when some idiots won’t even go 5 mph over the speed limit in the left lane but then when you try to pass them all of a sudden they want to go 127 mph into the sun
“STOP TELLING ME WHAT TO DO”, I yell to my 5 year old.
Omg, autocorrect! For the millionth time, I don’t hate all those birches…
[at a mattress store]
sales assistant: what size are you looking for?
me:*six loads of laundry big* queen should do
[Restaurant]
Date: I like guys who plan ahead
Me: Excuse me, waiter! *Leans in* Make sure my widow here is well looked after
Why don’t they make posters that go this hard anymore
My grandparents’ generation was so committed to vacation photos they’d flip their goddamn car and it would still be like “Marge, get in here.”
owing to recent events I will be moving to the big duck in Long Island
4 a.m.
9-yr-old: DADDY I JUST HAD A NIGHTMARE
daddy: mine’s just starting
I think the saying “every man for himself” was made up by women tired of making sandwiches
how is beauty and the beast a “tale as old as time”? a lady hooks up with a big dog, and all the candles in the house start talking? I hope that hasn’t happened before
Romantic cop: Here, I brought you a flower.
Competitive about everything cop: Big deal. I brought you a flowest.
Today is the three year anniversary of the time I dropped a hot dog and it got stepped on before I could retrieve it. Don’t talk to me about your suffering
[game night]
date: do you have siblings?me: *flips table*
date: so you’re the youngest
Hey vegans. Making a salad is not “cooking”. Making a salad is “assembling”.
Asking if judges go commando under their robes is a sure-fire way to get out of jury duty.
[During acupuncture]
Voodoo doll: OWWWWWWCH
There’s a song playing in Panera that goes “I got your Christmas right here”, and this just sounds so aggressive to me .
Double standard – bear breaks into girl’s house, bear gets shot. Girl breaks into bear’s house, we write a children’s story about it.
*eats a bag of chips*
*eats 2 baked potatoes*
*eats a plate of fries*
*eats a plate of mashed potatoes*Being a vegetarian is easy!
Has there been a movie made about giant killer candy corn yet? If not, I feel like there needs to be.
Whenever I draw or paint anything I say look what my kids did when they were toddlers
Hope you’ve already had the back to school conversation with your kids? You know the one where you threaten them to not volunteer you for stuff before asking you first?
My Kid: (seeing Wife with a plate of fries) Mommy, can I have some of your fries?
Wife: No. (Points at me who is also having fries) Go ask Daddy
My Kid: Daddy, can I have some of Mommy’s fries
My Brain: Don’t high five your kid right now. Don’t high five your kid right now…
me: no thanks I’m a vegan
person handing me a baby: what