Move over, pizza rat. 🍕 A Philadelphia woman found a groundhog outside of her home munching on a piece of pizza for over an hour, completely unfazed by her two dogs.
One time my 4yr old got so mad at my wife he yelled, “YOU’RE RABBIT FROM WINNIE THE POOH!”
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I start undressing you with my eyes. About halfway through, your zipper gets caught on my cornea and I start screaming in agony.
Demon: So, we’ve got some mayonnaise and potatoes and a few other random things.
Satan: Excellent. Now mix them all together and call it a salad.
Kill me once, shame on you. That’s pretty much it.
God never healed my dyslexia so I’m looking for new religion. Please send some pamphlets. And tell Rudolph hey.
Who does Santa think he is, judging me?! I might be naughty, but he’s fat.
*seductively unhooks bra, & two cheese balls fall out*
My son was like ‘I got a D in my maths’ and I was like ‘That’s really bad’ and my wife was like ‘you need to stop doing his homework’.
Are there any police officers willing to come to my house in uniform and tell my kids that not listening to me is against the law