@DustinSiskey

One time my 4yr old got so mad at my wife he yelled, “YOU’RE RABBIT FROM WINNIE THE POOH!”

Best.Insult.Ever.

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@ABC7

Move over, pizza rat. 🍕 A Philadelphia woman found a groundhog outside of her home munching on a piece of pizza for over an hour, completely unfazed by her two dogs.

@aka_fatman

I start undressing you with my eyes. About halfway through, your zipper gets caught on my cornea and I start screaming in agony.

@difficultpatty

Demon: So, we’ve got some mayonnaise and potatoes and a few other random things.

Satan: Excellent. Now mix them all together and call it a salad.

@Cpin42

Kill me once, shame on you. That’s pretty much it.

@joeldanger

Dear Satan,

God never healed my dyslexia so I’m looking for new religion. Please send some pamphlets. And tell Rudolph hey.

Love,
Me

@super_morgasm

Who does Santa think he is, judging me?! I might be naughty, but he’s fat.

@krisv_723

*seductively unhooks bra, & two cheese balls fall out*

@sofarrsogud

My son was like ‘I got a D in my maths’ and I was like ‘That’s really bad’ and my wife was like ‘you need to stop doing his homework’.

@yoyoha

Are there any police officers willing to come to my house in uniform and tell my kids that not listening to me is against the law