someone: *obvious flirt*
me, oblivious fool: aw they are so nice
also me, five years later, waking up in cold sweat at 3 am: WAIT A MINUTE
One time my 4yr old got so mad at my wife he yelled, “YOU’RE RABBIT FROM WINNIE THE POOH!”
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You don’t realize how much you miss someone until they come back from the dead.
Deer: *frozen in headlights*
Deer’s mom: I TOLD you to bring a sweater
WIFE: He has become extremely cold and distant.
HUSBAND (via skype, from an arctic research base): Not true.
[Inventor of the bagpipes] What if I blew into a pillow until I passed out
What they don’t tell you about bathing in the blood of your enemies is your body hair is a light magenta for like the next 3 or 4 days. Ugh.
WIFE: Whatcha thinking about?
ME: *thinking about how penguins could probably fly if they just believed in themselves more* Just work stuff
Litter boxes are bullshit man. Those cats aren’t littering they’re shittin’ man.
Imagine a squirrel making a nest at your window and being able to watch them sleep and grow 🥺
Every morning I wake up super pissed at my parents because I have to go to work instead of living off a trust fund.