@DustinSiskey

One time my 4yr old got so mad at my wife he yelled, “YOU’RE RABBIT FROM WINNIE THE POOH!”

Best.Insult.Ever.

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@cupcakelogic

someone: *obvious flirt*

me, oblivious fool: aw they are so nice

also me, five years later, waking up in cold sweat at 3 am: WAIT A MINUTE

@lil_dead_girl_

You don’t realize how much you miss someone until they come back from the dead.

@drhappyknuckles

*couples therapy*

WIFE: He has become extremely cold and distant.

HUSBAND (via skype, from an arctic research base): Not true.

@Home_Halfway

[Inventor of the bagpipes] What if I blew into a pillow until I passed out

@AndyAsAdjective

What they don’t tell you about bathing in the blood of your enemies is your body hair is a light magenta for like the next 3 or 4 days. Ugh.

@Brampersandon_

WIFE: Whatcha thinking about?
ME: *thinking about how penguins could probably fly if they just believed in themselves more* Just work stuff

@DestryBrod

Litter boxes are bullshit man. Those cats aren’t littering they’re shittin’ man.

@alexivenegas_

Imagine a squirrel making a nest at your window and being able to watch them sleep and grow 🥺

@Monicann86

Every morning I wake up super pissed at my parents because I have to go to work instead of living off a trust fund.