Son: Sometimes I wish I was a triceratops!
Me: *imagining being crushed by a meteorite* Me too buddy
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i don’t invite people over because they might sit in my dog’s chair
waiter: and how would you like your steak cooked?
me: umm on a grill?
waiter: no how would you like it served?
me (embarrassed laugh): oh silly me. on a plate please
The fact that the British call math “maths” scares me, since the only thing more frightening than math is plural math.
CEO: We will be taking the company photo a fourth time, because it came out blurry AGAIN.
Loch Ness Monster: *sweats, adjusts fake mustache*
Him: Shake whatcha mama gave ya.
Me: *picks up crock pot
Who called it plan b and not the pill out method?
remember when we were little & we all thought we knew karate
Marty: I know you want a sandwich Doc but this is crazy
Doc Brown: a loaf of bread only cost 18 cents in 1955 Marty, we have to go back
Marty: it’s just bread
Doc Brown: it’s only 18 cents, come ogle your mother
Marty: what?
Doc Brown: what, what?
An interracial couple eating Cheerios and non-English speakers drinking Coke. We’re a Benghazi pizza commercial away from a Texas secession.
funerals wayyyy too expensive. y’all throw me in an airfryer when it’s my time
The next wave of scammers will have old people call you
I been hollering for the past 10 minutes 😂😂😂
I asked my friend what keeps her up at night. She answered, “helium.” Also, my friend is a balloon.
Quit making fun of my barbed wire tattoo literally no one has even tried climbing over my arm since I got it.
A little bit of rain and everyone forgets how to drive. Saw one guy try to start his car with a pancake.
I’m running out of lies to tell in confessional but it’s the only place I can sit in silence away from my kids.
There are so many firsts you can still experience at 40! Like finding your first chin hairs and having your first colonoscopy!
Twitter, 2016 (HT @iShami_ )
I scream. You scream. We all scream. This fancy wine bars toilet gender signs were unclear.
*takes your order*
*goes to kitchen*
*comes back*
“did you say grilled cheese or gorilla cheese?”
grilled
*sighs*
*goes to kitchen*
We didn’t clean before our cleaning person came, and she just turned in her notice
Ok I don’t get it. Kid Rock looks nothing like adult Rock
Do the makers of hold music know that Mozart wrote more than one song
My wife and I are walking through Central Park and pointing out all of the places that we remember seeing dead bodies on Law & Order.
“Remember Robert from work?”
Yeah..he was a douche.
“He died.”
WHAT?!? OMG..He was such a nice guy!
Me: *grimaces, accepts call*
Mother: You never visit, I could have fallen, I can’t find that stupid cane, and my hemorrhoids are KILLING me!
Me: Meow
Sex but instead of moaning she yells YAAAAHAHAHOOOEEYYY like Goofy does evey time he falls
I’m convinced when squirrels run the road, nearly missing your car, it must be some kind of squirrel gang initiation.
*prospective pet owner interview
Dog (suspicious): Uh huh. And what exactly do you want from me in exchange for this “food” and “shelter”?