I’d go for a jog but it’s too [insert current weather].
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I used to worry I was too sexy to be taken seriously. Life has proven me wrong, but not in the way I’d hoped
I started working for a paycheck 30 years ago last month & my jaw has been clenched ever since.
A new study says eating sugar will kill you and was conducted by the No Shit Sherlock Research Institute.
I hired a nanny to watch my kids. Little did she know they were just two sacks of potatoes. When I got home I accused her of witchcraft.
I said something about the 1918 influenza and my friend’s like “that’s how Edward Cullen died”
just overheard my boyfriend, who works outside all day, describe me to someone as “an indoor cat”
me: when is the last time you had a bath?
4: tomorrow
you know you’re a little too deep into true crime when you call the windows in your house “points of entry.”
Make your enemies super uncomfortable by showing up to the rumble with an elderly friend
Me: could you put me in touch with my dead wife?
Spiritist: not tonight love.
Me: wow! It’s like she’s in the room.
[God naming things with his good friend Brent]
God: Shirts, but for your legs
Brent: Pants
God: Nice. Ok what about the sound of a dog breathing
Brent: Pants
God: You’re killing it today, Brent
When someone really pisses you off and you know you can’t physically do anything.
Just look at them through a fork and pretend you put them in jail.
Me: I don’t believe the world is round…
Flat Earthers: *getting visibly excited*
Me: …because it’s actually an oblate spheroid
Flat Earthers: Is that…how flat is that
Me: I can’t wait to say goodbye to 2021!
2022: *Somehow already on fire*
All the kings horses and all the kings men probably feel like they’re being grossly underutilized with that whole egg thing.
Therapist: Are you a man or a mouse?
Mickey: Quite frankly, I was hoping you could tell me.
Can’t. Being lazy.
*buys a bunch of stuff at Costco*
Sir, you wanna box for those?
“Nah, I hate violence. Can I just pay cash?”
Me (a pediatrician): *hands your baby a disassembled carburetor* Let’s test his motor skills
Someone: Im in town!
New Yorkers: OMFG!! That’s so great! Have fun!!!!
I put the hot in psychotic.
Gym instructor: What’s your main purpose for working out?
Me: Knorr cubes. Yea. Need to be strong enough to break them.
I don’t see what the big deal is with vaccinating your kids. My mom vaccinated me plenty and I turned out shapes.
If you play a game with your wife where you pick one person you’d be allowed to sleep with choose a celebrity and not “Liz from Accounting.”
The key to losing weight is to eat like you’re in a video game — don’t bother with it 99% of the time until you’re about to die
*Walks in late to dinner*
I see fed people.
“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
” Yes, we arson.”
I am open to suggestions, comments, or glowing praise followed by many exclamation points.
3: *tries a new thing, screams and fights, finally does the thing, cries that he’s done
Absolutely no one:
3: that was SO MUCH FUN, we have to do it again soon!!!!