One time my dad caught me doing homework and made me eat an entire pack of calculators
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Good morning to everyone but those being intentionally vague. You know who you are!
What I say: Sorry baby, they were out of bubblegum flavored medicine…Grape, will have to do.
What my child hears: I don’t love you, never have…Now drink your poison.
Having a boyfriend is so awesome like there’s just a guy in ur house whose job it is to know where countries are and what exactly Watergate was
Everyone talks about Greenland and Iceland having misleading names, but I think it’s bullshit that Finland isn’t an underwater country full of fish people.
Guys, my heart is broken. Utterly broken.
I’ve been married more than 10 years. A whole decade and I guess even that’s not enough to fully know a person
I came home early today from work to surprise my wife. I opened the door and walked in on her watching “twilight” on Netflix
Never be afraid to acknowledge your accomplishments
Last-second gift idea. Bring a tag and put it on any present already under the tree. Call other person a liar. Be willing to fight him/her.
Driving with my son in the car, I’m singing at the top of my lungs.
He looks over at the lady next to us at the stoplight, rolls down his window & yells, “WILL YOU BE MY MOM?”
I’m a little offended but fingers crossed!
Forget a beach bod I want a bat’s bod give me giant fangs and the long, leathery wings I need to rule the night
Him: you look tired today
Me: you look like you need a mouth that says better sentences
The closest I am to my hunter-gatherer ancestors is when I am gutting an Amazon package.
“There’s a creepy bleeding witch who doesn’t look friendly. She has cheese though.”
– my husband, deciding whether to interact with a character in a video game
Woman at drive-thru just called me “honey.” Headed home to tell my wife to take a god damn hike.
March 2020: I’m going to take this time and learn to paint.
November 2020: Wow. I didn’t think you could get to the end of Netflix.
“Daddy, how are babies made?”
“Well son, when a man and a woman have too much to drink..”
Cop: Freeze!
Suspect: Try and catch me! *dives into Olive Garden’s bottomless pasta bowl*
Rookie: We gotta go after him!
Cop: No. He’s gone.
I’m really bad at measuring the correct amount of pasta, so if you and 79 of your friends want spaghetti tonight, come on over.
Took my puppy to the vet today and they distracted him with a cozy bed, cookies, and cheese so my gynecologist needs to up their game.
If I were a hairdresser, my business cards would say, “I’ll cut you.”
Black rotten roses & run over kittens
Teeth falling out & a test is unwritten
Naked in public becoming a meme
Theseareafewofmyterribledreams
I have no idea how people meet at the gym. I turn into a disgusting, angry swamp witch anytime I exercise.
j o i m p
True crime was invented to remind people that life could be worse
*signs your yearbook “best friends for life”
*never speaks to you again *
[flirting]
ME: Do you come here often?
HER: Sir, I’m the librarian.
ME: Uh huh.
HER: And this is a library.
ME: Oh, gotcha.
HER: Okay then.
ME: *whispers* Soooo, do you come here often?
I love how once you hit 30 every conversation can be turned into a competition for how little effort was put into pulling a muscle.
I moved to LA 9 months ago and I’ve just been circling around this whole time looking for a parking spot.
Hiding an engagement ring in a hot dog is harder than you think
*inventing the mirror*
“People don’t have enough to worry about.”
just spilled alphabet soup on my keyboard. I’m so confused