One time my dad got mad at hulk hogan and yelled “YOURE WASTING SHIRTS” at the TV
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I don’t trust people who don’t wash their hands after burying a body in the yard.
Lou loved his job but if he had a nickel for every time someone asked if he was “monitoring the situation” he would never have to pay for another rat dinner.
Googling symptoms only tells you which diseases have the best SEO
DOG 911: what’s the emergency?
DOG: a boy threw a ball but I can’t find it
DOG 911: did u check his hand?
DOG: of course I checked hi—DAMMIT
[A bengals fan watching Titanic] I can’t wait until the end when Jack and Rose get married
FIREFIGHTER: You need to get out of here [dodges falling support beam] right now!
ME: [staring at toaster waiting for pop tart] come on come on
We shouldn’t send our trash into space, that’s how you get space raccoons
Sometimes I get annoyed at how unreasonable my 7 year old is but then I remember that at his age my plan was to make a million dollars off “my invention” which was a bunch of fishtanks arranged in a group and connected by tubes so the fish could move around like gerbils.
If Snickers really wanted to satisfy me, it’d be like 8 inches long
No one is more disappointed about you driving the speed limit than the cop pacing you, thinking he’s cleverly disguised in his marked Ford Explorer.
In Canada, she’s Kilometery Cyrus.
If it weren’t for addiction, I could have been a supermodel.
Bread is a hell of a drug.
Him: I love nerd girls!
Me: If you have more than 2 freckles, then every freckle on your body makes a triangle. If you move around, every triangle changes shape. That’s how I picture multiple universes.
Him: no. not like that
Seize the day. Repossess the evening. Impound last week. Forcibly confiscate the entire month of September.
My son texted me that he’d forgotten his favorite beer mug and asked if I’d email it to him. Naturally, I knew he meant to say mail, but don’t think for a second that stopped me from emailing him a picture of said mug.
You wanna mess with me, pal? You wanna mess with the saddest man in town? I’ve got a whole crew of sad boys just waiting to burst into tears
If you pass the drug test at dominos they fire you
Never go to bed angry. Stay up and make sure they don’t sleep either.
Me the car. Him washing the windshield. If course I’m pointing at imaginary spots because that’s always hilarious.
*Takes leash off feral dad*
Me: Go on, boy. Get outta here.
*Feral dad barbecues on my new shoes*
BAD DAD! BAD!
Cartoons led me to believe I would have a lot more opportunities to steal pies cooling on window sills
Why does the dentist have to take an X-ray of my teeth. They right there bro
A man was arrested on Brighton beach today for throwing pebbles at the sea birds.
He was accused of having left no tern unstoned.
You can put refrigerator magnets on your car, too. There are no rules.
I doubt anyone’s actually “dying” from seeing a cute baby picture on FB, but we can always dream.
Slicing an avocado: “I’ll carefully carve two halves then cautiously remove the pit to avoid bruising the fruit.”
Slicing a pineapple: “I’LL SEE YOU IN HELL SPIKEYBOI!”
Me: so they don’t punish you at school?
Kid: they make us sit in a thinking chair
Me: does that work?
Kid: I already planned my next move while thinking in the chair
me: so you’re just going to pack up my things? as if none of this meant anything to you??
grocery bagger: what
Eating vegetables is how to achieve inner peas.