one time my dad walked in on me smoking an E cig and made me eat a whole pack of batteries
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Johnny Depp’s wife of just over a year Filed for Divorce today…
With NO prenup…She is gonna get soooooo many bracelets.
I told my wife that if she has any problems she can talk to me like she talks to her girlfriends so we’re discussing why I’m such a idiot.
My 4yo is constantly asking us if he can push buttons and it’s like…you already do buddy…you already do.
Alright, Mr. “In good times and in bad” I just painted my finger nails and I gotta pee. Let’s go.
swallowing a bunch of popcorn kernels before getting xrayed
Pray Elon Musk doesn’t have a scandal.
Elongate would drag on forever.
I’m so over sweating. I’m putting a pin in sweating for the next two months. We can circle back on sweating in September.
Her: I heard your sister went to the US.
Me: Yeah she did.
Her: Which state?
Me: Alaska.
Her: Cool, when she tells you, tell me.
5yo: Mom is 47!
Husband: She doesn’t look a day over 40.
Me: I’m 37.
Nothing is impossible, unless of course you are waiting for the coffee to kick in.
I’m a man of conviction, but no jail time.
Thigh gap? Give me some corduroy pants and I’ll start a fire.
[First Date]
HER: Do you consider yourself a feminist?
ME: Oh I’m not feminist at all!
HER:
ME: In fact, some of my best friends are women.
Why are they giving Lance Armstrong a hard time about doping???… Going to the moon is very scary shit!!!
I wish young people would stop idealising future dystopias and start enjoying the one they’re in.
My talents are so hidden that I can’t even find them
ME: I’m gonna kick the shit out of you
PATIENT: are you even a real proctologist
HIM: the first rule of fight club is never talk about fight club
ME: but we’re talking about it now
HIM: I mean like to your friends
ME: were not friends?
HIM: I mean kinda but-
ME: *crying* this hurts worse than getting punched
Never bring a knife to a gunfight. Don’t even show up to that.
[guy at party who’s embarrassed that he’s allergic to cats] how funny would it be if we snorted a line of Zyrtec hahah
I’m so single…..
When they ask me for an emergency contact I put the neighbours dog.
Croatia-France sounds like a 19th century war to decide which cousin the crown prince is forced to marry.
Why do they call it a zoom meeting, and not a co-vid?
succession fans be like “the next episode is gonna be CRAZY” and the episode in question is “sign this piece of paper” “no”
the human just came home. smelling like another dog. this isn’t a problem. i’m totally not upset. if anybody needs me. i’ll be over here. wondering what i ever did to deserve this
ME AT GYM: mind if I work in?
GUY STANDING AT URINAL: what
Hey babe, you look hungry. I have a meal for you in my shorts.
*whips out five course meal from my cargo shorts with still frozen dippin dots for dessert*
We had a pleasant conversation about how we hate talking to people and then he said that this is a good reason for us to…
Me: … fall in love?
Him: … stop talking to each other.
Next time I get a pat-down at TSA I’m gonna tear off my ascot, suggestively peel off my reversible belt, and yell, “IS THIS WHAT YOU WANTED, BRIAN? IS IT?”
“I don’t want to make a spectacle…”
Eye glass manufacturers last day on the job.