one time my dad walked in on me smoking an E cig and made me eat a whole pack of batteries

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It’s always cool to swallow your pride unless you’re a lion.



Just noticed there’s no comma in “Bed Bath & Beyond” and honestly, a bed bath would solve a lot of my problems.


I clicked on one of those DM messages

And now it burns when I tweet


5YO *8:00 am*: When do we get our phones back?

Me: After lunch time

5YO *8:10 am*: I’m hungry, can I have some lunch now


Your car took up two spaces, I tried to move it over with my key.


Make a horror film less scary by putting old timey words in the title, i.e. The Thingamabob, Jason Goes To Heck or The Hills Have Peepers.


Cellphone battery in 2017 – 2.5 hours
Radio battery on Gilligan’s Island in the 1960’s – 3 years


I definitely could NOT be a surgeon. blood freaks me out when I’m high


Will I understand “12 Monkeys” if I didn’t watch the first eleven monkeys?


Her: I’ve never had a piercing.
Me: Guess we’re not counting your voice?