Using a Starbucks cup to ask for change makes me think I’m worse off than you
one time my dad walked in on me smoking an E cig and made me eat a whole pack of batteries
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Ate at w pho restaurant and based on my waitress’ facial reaction I’m not sure if I asked for a fork or killed her entire family
I figure soon we will be grounding our children by sending them outside to play
I remember when I was 12, dad caught me smoking a ham; so to teach me a lesson he made me smoke an entire herd of piglets.
Marry the person who looks at you the way a Labrador looks at a tennis ball…obsessed, slightly crazed and probably drooling a little.
You know that confused look old people get when looking at new technology?
I’m like that, but with salad.
My microwave beeps if I don’t open the door within 30 seconds of it stopping. I’m fat, microwave. I won’t forget there’s food in there.
The casinos are closed, so get your gambling fix by ordering groceries online.
My pistol only holds 9 bullets, so when I lose my shit I only get to kill 9 people or one cat.
[son’s football game]
Other dad: which one’s yours?
Me: I can’t remember. I just wait for him in the car when the games over