@OBiiieeee

one time my dad walked in on me smoking an E cig and made me eat a whole pack of batteries

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@AnkCoupleTO

PRO TIP:

Using a Starbucks cup to ask for change makes me think I’m worse off than you

@zachreinert03

Ate at w pho restaurant and based on my waitress’ facial reaction I’m not sure if I asked for a fork or killed her entire family

@youngkrazz

I figure soon we will be grounding our children by sending them outside to play

@WheelTod

I remember when I was 12, dad caught me smoking a ham; so to teach me a lesson he made me smoke an entire herd of piglets.

@SteussieErica

Marry the person who looks at you the way a Labrador looks at a tennis ball…obsessed, slightly crazed and probably drooling a little.

@YourYakiri

You know that confused look old people get when looking at new technology?

I’m like that, but with salad.

@DallyDoll

My microwave beeps if I don’t open the door within 30 seconds of it stopping. I’m fat, microwave. I won’t forget there’s food in there.

@JohnLyonTweets

The casinos are closed, so get your gambling fix by ordering groceries online.

@GuyThe_Guy

My pistol only holds 9 bullets, so when I lose my shit I only get to kill 9 people or one cat.

@david8hughes

[son’s football game]
Other dad: which one’s yours?
Me: I can’t remember. I just wait for him in the car when the games over