[zombies banging on the door]
her: they’re here
me: god, I thought you said 8 oclock I haven’t even got the wine chilled
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“Notice the way he uses colors.”
“How??”
Oh, man. My grandma caught me texting my OTHER grandma and now things are super tense.
A local business in my town has an open carry discount. As in, you show them a gun to save money. Doesn’t that discount apply everywhere?
Iron Man: I’ll hack into their security.
Hulk: HULK SMASH DOOR!
Thor: I’ll silence their guards.
Captain America: What’s a microwave?
I was brought up in the wild by hyenas.
Times were hard, food was scarce but we had some great laughs.
You can have a terrier or you can have a Roomba, but you cannot have both.
Son: what are electric eels?
Me: eels but electric
Son: are there other electric animals?
Me, looking at the cat & the toaster: not yet
As long as my family keeps calling it “The Twitter” I’ll know I’m safe here
What we really mean when we say parenting gets “easier” is that kids eventually sleep more and get their own snacks.
I successfully predicted all my different cousin’s pregnancies before they announced it simply from observing them not drinking at family parties, which made me realize that my family are a bunch of goddamn drunks
[Divorce court]
Her: I found his Twitter account. I want a divorce.
Judge: He was cheating?
Her: No, he was doing inspirational tweets.
Her: The world is gonna end in 30 minutes!!! 30 MINUTES!
Me *ordering a pizza* yeah this will be tight, for sure
Have you tried complaining about it for hours?
I’m offering a $1,000 reward to anyone who brings me $1,000 and two tacos.
A young guy at work asked me if I’m ready for Christmas.
I’m 52 yrs old Connor. I just turned down my radio so I can see better. I’m not even ready for today.
Cutest fight ever.. 😊
Anyone want to do the laundry for me? Im exhausted. I can pay you in beanie babies or hot monkey sex.
The monkey’s name is Earl. He bites.
I bought satin sheets and satin pajamas. When I went to jump into bed I ended up in my neighbors garage.
Not to brag, but my father bit someone’s ear off long before Mike Tyson made it cool.
The problem with rich people is you’re not one of them.
Sending a letter to Netflix informing them that I’m currently unemployed and the “are you still watching?” question is 100% not necessary.
her: why do you keep your eyes open when you kiss me?
me: bears
Humans: That made me puke. I’ll never do that again!
Dogs: That made me puke. I’m gonna get into it everyday this week!!
Easily distracted by chicken salad sandwiches
Dating is easy. You just *goes into fetal position*
Three ways to tell if you’re dating an Octopus:
1. They give awesome hugs
2. They have no skeleton
3. Every date is at the aquarium
her: do carrots help your eyesight
me: *flicks cigarette butt* u ever seen a bunny with glasses Karen
Go ahead, make fun of my cargo shorts
But we’ll see who’s laughing when you need a corkscrew, life raft, pillow or an extra tuna sandwich.
Mom, I have a runny nose I don’t need a rectal thermometer.
Plus, I’m 35