One time my teacher was telling a story about war and the girl in front of me slowly opened her laptop and liked Downy on Facebook.
You Might Also Like
[invention of history]
Well last time you said you didn’t need to write it down and we both know how that turned out.
A customer told me they were never coming back….
Sound smarter than you are: end words with “eaux” and sentences with “if you will.” If you’re pissed, “quite frankly” adds a nice touch.
[Me flirting with a twenty something]
Him: When last did you get lit?
Me: This morning. It was really sunny so I was well illuminated.
Entrepreneurs will work hard and put in 120% for years only for one article to tell you that their secret is that they do yoga at 4.30am 🙄🙄🙄
ME: *doing deadlifts* more weight
PALLBEARER: *reluctantly adds another body*
Me: You know better than to use that bad word.
5-year-old: Yes.
Me: Then why did you?
5: My brain said not to, but my mouth does whatever it wants.
what are some fun beginner crimes for someone getting into lawlessness
9 yo: Mom, please don’t put cheese in my lunch today.
Me: Too late. Havarti packed it.
9 yo: MOM
When they say shirts versus skins, they mean your own skin, not someone’s skin you brought from home.
Our descendants will have smart toilets that will alert them to internal illnesses and trends in their diets just from their daily constitutional. I’m so glad I’ll be dead by then.
TV shows project an unrealistic image, like catching a criminal in an hour or that people don’t spend most of the day in pyjamas drinking wine.
My teen said my new shoes are dank, so now I need to google what that means and decide if I’m happy or mad.
If you’re feeling down, park in a handicap space and soon a bunch of strangers will tell you that there’s nothing wrong with you!
[first day of quidditch practice]
Remember kids, witches get snitches.
Cow stumbles into a pot field. The steaks have never been higher.
My OnlyFangs is just me snapping my teeth at the camera and biting someone occasionally.
Wait. Why is it called ghosting? Ghosts stick around. THAT’S THEIR WHOLE DEAL.
Guys.You can’t make everyone happy, so just concentrate on me
Why don’t furniture stores just tell us when they’re NOT having a huge sale?
Friend: “Hey, a little bird told me you’re working on a new project :)”
Me: (trying to smile politely while going through mental rolodex of experts who can treat bird-related psychosis)
Why was six afraid of seven? Generations of institutionalized bigotry.
I’ll bet Medusa never got mosquito bites.
Eleven out of ten people are stupid.
Divorce is never funny. Unless it’s happening to your ex who got engaged six weeks after you broke up.
Air Bud’s owner: There’s no rule in the book that says a dog can’t be on the court.
Chief Justice Roberts: *sigh* We’ll need his measurements for the robe.
[2 friends fighting at Denny’s]
Chicken: *gritting teeth* I’ll have the bacon
Pig: *staring down the chicken* And I’ll be having the EGGS!
[ugly sweater contest]
*starts sweating*
*takes home the gold*
[400 pages into a fantasy book] ok there is no way this is real