One time my teacher was telling a story about war and the girl in front of me slowly opened her laptop and liked Downy on Facebook.

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Boss: can I get an update

Me: glitches out and fails to install


wife: (puts on her glasses) how do i look?

me: with… with your glasses.


My wife’s leftover meatloaf just growled at me and ran under the fridge …. now I’m scared.


I’m sorry I thought your dog’s name was Maverick and your kid’s name was Cooper


My kid just peeled a fat strip of paint off the wall and said “I love the skin of our house”


Her: Stop being so territorial.
Me: *peeing a circle around her* I have no idea what you mean.


Wife: Did you eat an ENTIRE half-gallon of ice cream?!?!

Me: It was getting freezer-burned.

W: I just bought it today!

Me: Crazy freezer.


99% of all online behavior is explained by the fact that everyone is insanely lonely and horny. the remaining 1% is advertising