@mrsjohngoodman

One time my teacher was telling a story about war and the girl in front of me slowly opened her laptop and liked Downy on Facebook.

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@ThugRaccoons

*Opens a Volkswagen restoration shop called “The Old Volks Home”*

@ComedicBust

Does anyone know the life span of a honey baked ham? Please say 6 months.

Never mind, I’m just gonna pretend everything’s going to be ok.

@DrakeGatsby

Me: When the edibles kick in

Everyone: You forgot to attach a picture or a gif

Me: Exactly

@funflaps

CALIBUR: I love being a calibur!

ME: Stop being a calibur. Arthur needs you.

EXCALIBUR: Ok

@goldengateblond

what if everything that’s happened lately is just an elaborate ruse to put The Onion out of business

@nerdonfire1

Apparently, the words “I’d still hit it” are words best kept to yourself at a funeral

@ddsmidt

Nothing sucks more than a Monday.

Daylight Savings Time: Oh hey guys!

@XplodingUnicorn

My 4-year-old is playing doctor with her baby dolls.

She walked by a minute ago holding just a leg.

Surgery didn’t go well.

@Token_Geezer

Yeah, but I thought the whole point of twitter was to be stalked.nnThe word ‘follower’ should be evidence of that