*Opens a Volkswagen restoration shop called “The Old Volks Home”*
One time my teacher was telling a story about war and the girl in front of me slowly opened her laptop and liked Downy on Facebook.
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Does anyone know the life span of a honey baked ham? Please say 6 months.
Never mind, I’m just gonna pretend everything’s going to be ok.
Me: When the edibles kick in
Everyone: You forgot to attach a picture or a gif
Jehovah’s witnesses tell the worst knock, knock jokes.
CALIBUR: I love being a calibur!
ME: Stop being a calibur. Arthur needs you.
what if everything that’s happened lately is just an elaborate ruse to put The Onion out of business
Apparently, the words “I’d still hit it” are words best kept to yourself at a funeral
Nothing sucks more than a Monday.
Daylight Savings Time: Oh hey guys!
My 4-year-old is playing doctor with her baby dolls.
She walked by a minute ago holding just a leg.
Surgery didn’t go well.
Yeah, but I thought the whole point of twitter was to be stalked.nnThe word ‘follower’ should be evidence of that