@mrsjohngoodman

One time my teacher was telling a story about war and the girl in front of me slowly opened her laptop and liked Downy on Facebook.

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@vanderwangwe

The cranberries used to write songs that would get stuck in your head, in your heeeaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaad!

@215potter

To my future kids: I apologize for the lack of college funds…

Blame mom, she INSISTED on organic produce from Whole Foods.

@FrazzleMyGimp

MOM: Your father was abducted by aliens last night.

ME: [about to adjust thermostat] Oh no.

[meanwhile in ufo]

ALIEN: What do you mean we have to turn around?

DAD: Somethings wrong I can’t explain it.

@AndyShulk

When I see a flash mob in public I immediately join in to make it seem like they didn’t practice enough.

@TheWinegasm

Me: Don’t touch your face until you’ve put hand sanitiser on.

* Turns around to see kid licking himself like a cat.

@randypaint

Me: can I have that with no ice? [raises menu to hide mouth & whispers to date] people don’t realize u get more that way haha

Waiter: sir we dont put ice in soup

@HrBry

Told my dealer I wanted a shitload of Coke but autocorrect changed it to shipload now I owe a Columbian cartel 18 million dollars

@radtoria

OH MY GOD I FORGOT TO UNPLUG THE TOASTER
[flash to dog in sunglasses waiting for his fifth batch of waffles to pop up]

@_BryanZ_

I sooo did not want to go on a run today but those cops came out of nowhere.

@IfIwassomething

I think Grandma enjoyed giving everyone the wrong impression saying her friend Iris died by the needle when she was actually stabbed during knitting club.