One time my teacher was telling a story about war and the girl in front of me slowly opened her laptop and liked Downy on Facebook.

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*Opens a Volkswagen restoration shop called “The Old Volks Home”*


Does anyone know the life span of a honey baked ham? Please say 6 months.

Never mind, I’m just gonna pretend everything’s going to be ok.


Me: When the edibles kick in

Everyone: You forgot to attach a picture or a gif

Me: Exactly


CALIBUR: I love being a calibur!

ME: Stop being a calibur. Arthur needs you.



what if everything that’s happened lately is just an elaborate ruse to put The Onion out of business


Apparently, the words “I’d still hit it” are words best kept to yourself at a funeral


Nothing sucks more than a Monday.

Daylight Savings Time: Oh hey guys!


My 4-year-old is playing doctor with her baby dolls.

She walked by a minute ago holding just a leg.

Surgery didn’t go well.


Yeah, but I thought the whole point of twitter was to be stalked.nnThe word ‘follower’ should be evidence of that