A fondue party… But instead of bread, it’s more cheese. And instead of people, it’s even more cheese.
One time someone told me the camera adds 10 pounds and I was like why would anyone eat a camera you idiot?
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Interviewer: “Your resume says you’re paranoid.”
Me: “My resume has been talking behind my back?”
I hate when you go to church and another guy is wearing the same goat mask.
Me: *shares canteen*
Companion: *holds it to his mouth but nothing comes out*
Me: it’s ketchup, you have to wait a bit.
It’s the 13th anniversary of “Umbrella”. What a good excuse for…
Doctor: Have you noticed any differences since you’ve started the medication?
Me:…I rap a lot less.
Prom Date: [coming down stairs in dress] How do I look?
Me, super woke cool guy: You look empowered & worthy of equal salary compensation
Facebook is a great platform to find long lost friends to borrow money from.
[praying in church]
Please God let church end early
I’m starting to think the Hangover Fairy and the Angel of Death are the same person.