One time someone told me the camera adds 10 pounds and I was like why would anyone eat a camera you idiot?

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A fondue party… But instead of bread, it’s more cheese. And instead of people, it’s even more cheese.


Interviewer: “Your resume says you’re paranoid.”

Me: “My resume has been talking behind my back?”


I hate when you go to church and another guy is wearing the same goat mask.


[Sahara desert]

Me: *shares canteen*

Companion: *holds it to his mouth but nothing comes out*

Me: it’s ketchup, you have to wait a bit.


Doctor: Have you noticed any differences since you’ve started the medication?

Me:…I rap a lot less.


Prom Date: [coming down stairs in dress] How do I look?

Me, super woke cool guy: You look empowered & worthy of equal salary compensation


Facebook is a great platform to find long lost friends to borrow money from.


I’m starting to think the Hangover Fairy and the Angel of Death are the same person.