One time someone told me the camera adds 10 pounds and I was like why would anyone eat a camera you idiot?
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Can you at least smile if you’re gonna be in the background of my selfie, Doc?
(takes off rubber glove)
“You can pull up your pants now.”
*Sweeping the floor
Lower back: “Time to go out!”
Brain: “Wait, why? We’re not doing anything the least bit strenuous!”
Lower Back: “Dunno, we just gotta”
*cries hunchbackedly
Airport security: no liquids on the plane
Me: ok *starts drinking it*
Airport security: people usually just throw away the shampoo
I don’t mean to brag, but I’ve received a lot of emails that find me well.
I made my preteen wear long pants in freezing weather this morning and subsequently ruined his “street cred”
Me: you want salmon for dinner?
3yo: yeah!
Me: what do you want with it?
3yo: mayo.
Me: I meant what kind of vegetable.
3yo: mayonnaise.
Remember to kick Friday right in the panty hamster.
She just offered me a “1/4 caffeinated coffee.”
I told her I’d have eight, please.
I accidentally told my kid I paid for a toy “that Santa brought” and now I’m stuck in an elaborate web of lies please send help.
Spielberg’s movie “Catch Me If You Can” but it’s just me making up jobs I have so I don’t need to volunteer at school.
*eats Big Mac meal*
*has two ice cream cones for dessert*
*drives by gym**wonders why new diet and fitness plan isn’t working*
Hey y’all, I finally got a smart phone. I’m a big girl now!
Anyone got a 5 year old I can borrow to teach me how to use the damn thing?
Clock: oh shit, I am
Me: looks like the clock’s a bit fast
I caught two kids smoking pot outside my office. Fifteen minutes later my boss caught me and two kids smoking pot outside my office.
The Beyond Meat COO was arrested for biting a man’s nose. Once again proving you just can’t beat the real thing.
The hardest part of your divorce will be finding a recent attractive photo of yourself to upload to dating sites.
I told someone I was 30 and they said “that’s okay.”
Me: I’m not going to eat any pizza.
Me: I’m not going to eat more than 3 slices of pizza.
Me: I’m no longer going to place any limitations on myself.
Setting a teachers salary based on student performance is akin to paying a zookeeper based on how well the monkeys are behaving.
Driving tests should have a portion where a kid in the backseat just pummels you with rapid-fire questions while you try to merge.
He also looks really rough for a 4 year old
I hate when my camera rings, in the middle of a selfie.
I don’t trust kids as far as I can throw them. Currently my record for trusting a kid is 6 feet 11-1/4 inches.
Admitting you have a problem is half the battle. Convincing everyone else that they’re the problem is the other half.
*flagrantly eats a waffle with a pancake*
I just ordered a Fitbit and my bank called to see if my card was stolen.
Amazon is a $250 billion dollar company that reacts to you buying a vacuum by going THIS GUY LOVES BUYING VACUUMS HERE ARE SOME MORE VACUUMS
Me: I would like to eat a boiled mermaid
Waiter: sir I don’t think you underst-
Me: the bottom half
Waiter: very good, sir
ate a tomato sandwich on the porch and watched some kids kick a can, if anyone wants anything from 1935
Do you ever wake up.
Kiss the person beside you, and just be thankful to be alive.I did.
Not really appreciated on flights apparently