If you meet a baby named “Doris”, it’s not polite to offer her a cigarette.
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I named a large spider I saw today in my bedroom “Cotton Eye Joe” because Where’d you come from. Where’d you go.
I don’t judge you when you make a typo.
I first look at the keypad and how far the letters are apart.
Then I judge you.
My wife and I stood waving to the neighbor for 10 minutes this morning before we realized she was cleaning her windows.
[THE INVENTOR OF FLIP FLOPS]
What if you could clap with your feet?
Everybody: Jurassic Park is a terrible idea and we are all gonna die violently
John Hammond: You have no vision
[Later, everyone is dead]
John Hammond: The important thing to remember is this is nobody’s fault and none of us could have predicted this
Rumor has it, that if you look up from your phone you can see all kinds of pretty colors in the trees this time of year.
“Oh, we’re going for a 2 minute car ride? Let me just gather all of my worldly possessions and get a little naked first. Oh, & hide your keys.”
-3 year olds.
Not sure why some white people use black slang when they have phrases like, “newsflash pal”
I have a new favorite conspiracy theory
If you have more than 4 kids I automatically refer to you as a hoarder.
why isn’t thunder called soundning
Why do Tomb, Comb, and Bomb all have different pronunciations ????
My mother-in-law showed up 3 hours early for Thanksgiving.
-my suicide note
Virtual school adventures
6: I just need a break Dad, I can’t sit here in front of a screen all day.
Me: Okay go ahead and take a break.
6: Can i watch something on my tablet?
Doormats are a gateway rug.
Drugs and alcohol aren’t the answer. Unless the question is why did you shit on the sidewalk last night?
Me: I hate how someone keeps putting advertising flyers on my windshield and forcing me to throw them away.
Friend: Flyers for what?
Me: Some club called VIOLATION.
BANK ROBBER: There’ll be no trouble as long as everyone is cool
ME *remembering I’m me* oh no
Jesus: remember disciples, everything the light touches is god’s kingdom
Judas: um, isn’t that from the Lion King?
Jesus: *glares at Judas*
one time on mushrooms i decided i should be living off nuts & seeds like a little squirrel, so I went to Whole Foods and blew my whole paycheck on nuts & seeds. then all week I had no money and DID have to live off nuts & seeds, and let me tell you I WAS SO WRONG. it sucked
Me: Achoo!
People trying to scare me: Boo!
My bladder: I hate October.
Valentine’s day is just about a month away so if you’re in love with me, now would be the time to speak up.
my computer: consider changing your password
me: consider fighting me in the streets
Principal: Your son is a gamer
[Parents are visibly shaken]
Principal: Oops, wrong kid. Actually yours is on drugs.
Parents: OH THANK GOD
landlord put a coin-op pay box on the laundry a month into our stay so I’m looking up the manufacturer and buying a replacement key for it to steal my quarters back.
My son: If you put a hotdog in a blender, does it still have the same amount of calories?
Me: NO HOT DOG SMOOTHIES
“WHAT IS IT? WHAT IS GOING ON? IS THAT RAIN? OH GOD I WISH I HAD EYES” – Worms
Roses are red,
Daisies are free.I’ll never forget you,
It burns when I pee.
me: there’s a bloody oar in the water
friend: that’s foreboding
me: shut up gary, I know what they’re for
Teenagers are most fun when they’re asked to clean up the mess they’ve made themselves.