@KrangTNelson

one time when I was a kid I was in canada on canada day but didn’t realize it was canada day and I saw a mountie on stilts so I spent the next couple of years thinking canada had stilt cops

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@daemonic3

SON: Dad, can you call me an uber?

ME: You’re an uber!

SON: No, with your phone

ME: Oh, sorry [types]

SON: [gets text] “You’re an uber!”

@iRowlf

I like to think that when Homer Simpson suffers from erectile dysfunction, he chokes his wiener and yells “Why you little!!!!!”

@DrakeGatsby

[1994]

Me: 2020 is gonna be wild. Flying cars, robots everywhere, a technologically advanced utopia.

[2019]

Me: Ayyy my toaster can play the Goo Goo Dolls.

@Michabean

Of course divorce is expensive. The price of freedom has always been high.

@Landon_TSNTL

The Lord moves in mysterious ways but you don’t have to. Please use your blinker.

@iwearaonesie

toddler *starts taking his clothes off in the middle of the cereal aisle*
wife: Do something
me *starts throwing dollar bills*
wife: Do something else

@3dog101

I tried on a pair of shorts at Target and they fit perfectly. I went to check the size and apparently I’m “husky child”