SON: Dad, can you call me an uber?
ME: You’re an uber!
SON: No, with your phone
ME: Oh, sorry [types]
SON: [gets text] “You’re an uber!”
one time when I was a kid I was in canada on canada day but didn’t realize it was canada day and I saw a mountie on stilts so I spent the next couple of years thinking canada had stilt cops
You Might Also Like
I like to think that when Homer Simpson suffers from erectile dysfunction, he chokes his wiener and yells “Why you little!!!!!”
People who say they “Like to have fun”…
Me: 2020 is gonna be wild. Flying cars, robots everywhere, a technologically advanced utopia.
Me: Ayyy my toaster can play the Goo Goo Dolls.
Of course divorce is expensive. The price of freedom has always been high.
The Lord moves in mysterious ways but you don’t have to. Please use your blinker.
Popular Mathematics makes math easier to understand! #FallonTonight
toddler *starts taking his clothes off in the middle of the cereal aisle*
wife: Do something
me *starts throwing dollar bills*
wife: Do something else
I tried on a pair of shorts at Target and they fit perfectly. I went to check the size and apparently I’m “husky child”