one time when I was a kid I was in canada on canada day but didn’t realize it was canada day and I saw a mountie on stilts so I spent the next couple of years thinking canada had stilt cops
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my doctor: you should snack less, it can really hurt you in the long run
me: *nodding* no more running, got it
Snake: Oh shit it’s a wolf we gotta run
Armadillo: Go on without me
Snake: no just-
Armadillo: @
Snake: Wait where the hell are you
Armadillo: @
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: so what exactly did the “shapeshifter” look like?
[the easel makes a throat-slitting gesture]
ME: …I dont remember
Get off your high horse. Seriously, it’s not safe to ride any animal that’s stoned.
Pretty sure Dora goes on crazy adventures with a monkey because her mom is on Twitter.
It’s like the girl sitting in front of me on this bus doesn’t want me to braid her hair.
I need a pain relieving patch that covers my whole body
I still think my biggest regret is asking a girl out, and replying “me too” after she told me she had a boyfriend
GAME SHOW HOST: Dave, welcome to Embarrass Yourself For Little To No Gain. Are you ready?
ME: Buddy, I’ve been training my entire life for this.
*Weather changes*
BODY: This is weird. Must have an asthma attack.
*Anything else changes*
MIND: This is weird. Must have a panic attack.
I think my wife has been moonlighting at the north pole. That is only explanation for why her feet are so cold when she gets into bed
I wish the dude that jogs around my neighborhood all day would wear a Super Mario costume. And occasionally duck into sewers.
MILEY CYRUS: I never went boatin’ and don’t get how they be floatin’
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: [slowly rising from the ocean] buoyancy
Doctor: well, we lost him
Widow: *sobbing*
Me as a nurse: *whispering* guys he’s right there
30s: Oh look, a dance floor!
50s: Oh look, a couch!
Most of parenting after your kids get cell phones is resisting the urge to text them things like “Where did you put my pen?? I saw you using it! Where is it?!!!” while they’re at school
People falling down has become a lot less funny now that I’m in my 40s and can incur permanent bodily damage from like yawning wrong
Um, so you’re god’s gift to women? So was Jesus…look what happened to him.
You may want to rethink that.
I’m not a jealous person but seriously, if you star her tweets one more time I’m going to squeeze the balls of this vodoo doll so hard…
Maybe there is no baby
I’m starting to suspect my wife’s been stuffing her shirt with an increasingly large series of hams
Now I’m hungry.
If you hit a car that is blaring Christmas music before Thanksgiving, it will deploy tinsel instead of airbags.
People that drive Jeeps will always make a point on how rugged their vehicle is by putting one wheel up on the sidewalk
Somewhere, a ninja watches “I Didn’t Know I was Pregnant.” An imperceptible smile creeps across his lips. “Damn right you didn’t.”
*I will not be awkward*
*I will not be awkward*Uber Eats delivery guy: Enjoy your dinner!
Me: Thanks, you too
Alligators can live up to 100 years, which is why there’s an increased chance that they will see you later.
No matter how stupid you feel, remember, Little Red Riding Hood couldn’t figure out a talking wolf in drag wasn’t her grandmother
Thinking about the time I invited a date over for a BBQ & asked him to pass me the hot dog knife so I could pry hot dogs out of the package. He stopped & said “Hot dog knife?” At which point, I realized other people did not have designated hot dog knives. There was no 2nd date.
ME: want to see me do a head stand
BRAIN SURGEON: how the hell did you get in here
I wonder if Scarlett Johansson ever fantasizes about fat comic book nerds, or is that just a one-way street?
I need a headline like this