@TweetPotato314

one time when i was like 20 one of my best friends said he liked his name because of how unique it was. his name is jason

You Might Also Like

@Book_Krazy

Ok, Don’t let them know you’re an egg

“Mr Yolk, you are 20 minutes late for this interview”

[drags on cig] I was getting laid by a chick

@dumbbeezie

People think doing meth makes you lose weight but actually it’s the climbing buildings and ripping out the plumbing

@hstweetheart

I’LL TAKE TEN OF YOUR FINEST MIDGETS! THEY MUST BE CLEVER CONVERSATIONALISTS & KNOW HOW TO PARTY.

“…Ma’am, this is a preschool…”

@thatUPSdude

Me: Can I get cheese on that?

Waiter: Sir, you ordered mozzarella sticks.

Me: And?

@Reverend_Scott

God: this pie is outstanding. where’d you get the apples?

Eve: ok promise you won’t get mad

@NicestHippo

In America, we decide to bomb people after a week of reflection, but have debated the legality of smoking a plant for 40 years

@jonnysun

DAD: wat am i chopped liver
CHOPPED LIVER: [in this joke imagine choped liver is a sentiemt being] wat the hell is that suposed to mean phil

@missekay

Just saw a bumper sticker that said “supprt your local beaver” or maybe it said “support your local brewer” either way it’s sound advice.

@PyrBliss

This girl just said, “You know that feeling you get when you really really like someone?” and I was all like, “Nope.” and walked away.

@ppppolls

30% of Republican primary voters nationally say they support bombing Agrabah. Agrabah is the country from Aladdin. #NotTheOnion