one time when i was like 20 one of my best friends said he liked his name because of how unique it was. his name is jason
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If you want to get someone out of your office, just pull two tampons out of your purse and start air drumming.
[safely surrounded by a thousand miles of land]
Me: (whispering) more like shark weak
if Taylor watched me at work I’d probably do really well too idk
My kid just sneezed in my face and laughed.
Snots fired.
Netflix: are you still watching?
Me: *is asleep
Netflix: why are you like this
Hey, which Instagram filter takes out all the insecurities?
Told my kid I was going to check her room because she told me she cleaned it, and she negotiated a five minute head start in case she “missed something.”
[my first day as a 911 operator]
*eating peanut butter with a spoon* 911 wath er mumergy
Me: I’m worried that the romance has gone out of our marriage
Hub: Bet I can change your mind during the next commercial break
toddler *starts taking his clothes off in the middle of the cereal aisle*
wife: Do something
me *starts throwing dollar bills*
wife: Do something else
my 3yo found a whistle and is refusing to give it to me so do I just throw the whole kid out or nah?
Whoa, whoa whoa…
I only lick people on the street when I need them to get out of my way.
me: hi i’ve come to pick up my suit
tailor: ok what name is it
me: i dunno maybe trevor the tux or something
“If you could take one thing from a burning house, what would it be?” THE FIRE. I WOULD TAKE THE FIRE AND PUT IT OUTSIDE. Easy. Next.
Him: Are you mad?
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typingHer: No, I’m fine, why?
casting director: can you play a Canadian?
me: eh?
casting director: [under breath] holy shit
Is it too early to start drinking? – some moron with a clock.
Friend: Are you growing your hair out?
Me: I have no idea. Honestly, I never thought I’d live this long
Little Red Riding Hood is my favorite story about an idiot who can’t tell the difference between a human and a wolf.
Sober or not if a cop ask me to recite the alphabet backwards I’ll just put myself in the back seat of their car.
Good job with the heavy sighs, guy behind me, that should definitely help speed up the line.
cop: you were driving 30 mph under the speed limit
me: my in-laws are staying with us for a while, longer the commute the better
cop: you need to maintain the speed limit
me: *knocks book out of cops hands*
cop: are you trying to get arrested
me: yes please
Pulling the sword from the stone and getting immediately embarrassed, freaking out, trying to jam it back in but it’s like a USB flipped over. Texting the girls “help”
A Gothic novel about a governess who works at the manor house of a mysterious man who spends a lot of time in his attic. She eventually discovers that he keeps his LEGO sets there.
Sometimes I think my toddlers are smart
Other times they throw tantrums because they get their fingers stuck
In their other hand
Autocorrect changed “decaffeinated” to “defecated”, and despite what my wife may claim, I’m pretty sure she knew what I wanted a cup of.
What is the best nickname for a nun in heaven?
If you guessed “Heaven nun” or “Angel nun” you’re wrong.
The answer was “Nun of the Above”.
Playing doctor with my 3yo and I’ve been diagnosed as “barely alive” and this pretend play has become wildly realistic.
Getting worms from eating raw cookie dough was a lie made up by Cookie Monster so he could get more cookies
Detective: Where were you at 8:30 p.m. on. . .
Me: Twitter