one time when i was like 20 one of my best friends said he liked his name because of how unique it was. his name is jason

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I need to lay off the caffeine. My neighbor keeps complaining that I’m tackling her much more than usual


My favourite machine at the gym is the television.


I really miss Jake. And Clyde. And Marissa. Gina too. I should stop naming my cupcakes right before I eat them. 🙁


This bar smells so bad and I can’t tell who’s homeless and who’s a hipster.


[Talking to a giant banana] “Is that a human being in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?”


My password is Superman Hulk Thor Goku, that’s the strongest password I can think of.


“Veggies?” The subway sandwich artist looks at me smugly. He knows I only want meat & cheese. He knows I fear the judgement of the line behind me. His hand hovers over the pale, wet lettuce. A bead of sweat drips down my forehead. The air between us crackles


Doctor: Exactly how long have you been incontinent

Me: *pooping my pants* I’ve actually never left North America doc


ad for letuce:

do u- hey do u ever wish u coud eat water