Ok, Don’t let them know you’re an egg
“Mr Yolk, you are 20 minutes late for this interview”
[drags on cig] I was getting laid by a chick
one time when i was like 20 one of my best friends said he liked his name because of how unique it was. his name is jason
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People think doing meth makes you lose weight but actually it’s the climbing buildings and ripping out the plumbing
I’LL TAKE TEN OF YOUR FINEST MIDGETS! THEY MUST BE CLEVER CONVERSATIONALISTS & KNOW HOW TO PARTY.
“…Ma’am, this is a preschool…”
Me: Can I get cheese on that?
Waiter: Sir, you ordered mozzarella sticks.
God: this pie is outstanding. where’d you get the apples?
Eve: ok promise you won’t get mad
In America, we decide to bomb people after a week of reflection, but have debated the legality of smoking a plant for 40 years
DAD: wat am i chopped liver
CHOPPED LIVER: [in this joke imagine choped liver is a sentiemt being] wat the hell is that suposed to mean phil
Just saw a bumper sticker that said “supprt your local beaver” or maybe it said “support your local brewer” either way it’s sound advice.
This girl just said, “You know that feeling you get when you really really like someone?” and I was all like, “Nope.” and walked away.
30% of Republican primary voters nationally say they support bombing Agrabah. Agrabah is the country from Aladdin. #NotTheOnion