I need to lay off the caffeine. My neighbor keeps complaining that I’m tackling her much more than usual
one time when i was like 20 one of my best friends said he liked his name because of how unique it was. his name is jason
You Might Also Like
My favourite machine at the gym is the television.
I really miss Jake. And Clyde. And Marissa. Gina too. I should stop naming my cupcakes right before I eat them. 🙁
This bar smells so bad and I can’t tell who’s homeless and who’s a hipster.
[Talking to a giant banana] “Is that a human being in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?”
My password is Superman Hulk Thor Goku, that’s the strongest password I can think of.
“Veggies?” The subway sandwich artist looks at me smugly. He knows I only want meat & cheese. He knows I fear the judgement of the line behind me. His hand hovers over the pale, wet lettuce. A bead of sweat drips down my forehead. The air between us crackles
Doctor: Exactly how long have you been incontinent
Me: *pooping my pants* I’ve actually never left North America doc
I’m at that age where all of my sentences start like this one.
ad for letuce:
do u- hey do u ever wish u coud eat water