I’m ready for work early! Now to lay back in bed so I can still rush out the door and be 2 minutes late like god intended
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When I eat spaghetti I always check both ends of the noodle so I don’t accidentally kiss a dog.
Dogs will go through amazing effort to get a better view of your plate
Doc this part of my evaluation where it says psychotic, can you change it to madcap?
me: time for some laundry 🙂
laundry machine: ok 🙂
me: ok time to dry 🙂
dryer: i’ve invented a new knot. it transcends humanity’s current understanding of geometry. and i am testing it for the first time on your sheets
Alright…who left me unsupervised again?
God said: ‘Let there be Satan, so people don’t blame everything
on me. And let there be lawyers, so people don’t blame everything on Satan”
The French cow says MEUX…
the scariest thing about jeff bezos is that he is impossible to ratatouille
oh sorry i cant im busy that day
Too much insomnia causes caffeine.
This favourite snack may lower your risk of dementia? Jeeze I hope it’s big sandwiches.
If you have ever spent an hour on Twitter then you understand why there’s such an urgency to create Artificial Intelligence.
If you think your microwave collecting data and the TV spying on you is bad enough…
The vaccum cleaner has been gathering dirt on you for years.
[Year 2090]
A teenager unwraps a birthday present
“What is this thing grandpa?”
“That’s called a book”
“What’s it do?”
“It fixes idiots”
2:10 – perfect popcorn
2:13 – firefighters on scene
From the other room 4 just yelled, “Don’t worry, mom! I’m not doing anything,” and I think I have a pitch for the next blockbuster horror movie.
WHAT DO WE WANT!?
A forum for passive aggressive behavior!
WHEN do we want it?
NOW would be great but you seem busy sooo whatever.
Lord of the Rings: A Shortened Version
-Give me the ring.
-No.
*puts lips to microphone*
Microphone: I have a headache
Happy Thursday guys and remember. If you can’t spot the douche at work today, then it’s probably you.
Won “Typo of the Moth” again at work.
I’m starting to think that guy in 5th grade isn’t going to ask me to couple skate
the lady that filled the bird feeder was two hours late and chester was starting to get pissed
I’m coaching my son’s soccer team because it’s important that he knows I’ll swear at other kids, too.
Me: *watches six consecutive hours of SVU*
Also me (brushing teeth for two minutes twice a day): Thith ith bullthit.
Hello? I’d like to rent one bouncey house, please. How many will be using it? Just one. Her age? Uh. Four……..ty-seven.
Just when you think your marriage is going smoothly your husband eats the last piece of cake.
In my DMs there are people saying I’m a shit doctor because I want to lose weight, and I’m thinking wow the public needs to be educated about the various roles in healthcare.
I’m a cancer doctor. A shit doctor is called a gastroenterologist. Follow for more insider info.
HER: where were u last nite
ME: *turns on airplane mode*
HER: did u just say *turns on airplane mode*???