One tricky thing about kids crying is trying to determine if they broke a crayon or got their arm stuck in a piece of farming equipment.
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Trust is knowing you never have to look through their phone.
Married foreplay is just five minutes of confusion about whether your spouse is using a suggestive euphemism or asking you to do a chore.
I am thinking of watching a movie with my boyfriend. Can anyone recommend a good boyfriend?
Removed my spanx slip and accidentally ricocheted myself into the neighbors backyard.
Are dinosaurs finished evolving into birds yet? Or will they become even birdier?
Hi you’ve reached my voicemail, this is by far one of the absolute worst ways to get in touch with me….leave a message.
Me: excuse me, but I can’t taste the alcohol
Clerk: all smoothies are non alcoholic here.
Me: YOU SHOULDN’T CALL YOURSELF A BAR THEN!
Breaking news:
Against the wall, on the floor and bent over the couch are my favorite places to stretch.
How Am I Doing? I’ll Tell You How I’m Doing Volumes: 1-8
Spring is here!
I got so excited I wet my plants!
5-year-old: I’ll stop asking you to take our family to Disneyland
Me: You finally understand we can’t afford it
5: You should just send me
[at the gym]
Body builder: how much can you curl?
Me: *smugly* I can do a 9 inch ribbon
Wife: How many beers did you have while I was gone?
Me: Two.
4-year-old: It was nine.
Teaching her to count was a mistake.
In a job interview, you can always respond to an awkward question with a deep gaze and parted lips, followed by “You complete me.”
Headed to police station to go through mugshots for a date tonight. I don’t trust ChristianMingle.
me: [running from the police] you’ll never catch me!
cop: [unplugs the treadmill]
Can I get a piña colada please.
‘This is Starbucks’
Sorry, can I have venti piña colada.
everyone on the saturday night live thing pronounced it sarynyelive
I think I might be ready to start dating again?
Husband:
I don’t think the milf next door watches enough porn. She asked for help with her sink. It’s been 20 minutes, we’re still fixing the sink.
Went to a humanist wedding a few weeks ago. One of the lovely things was the rings being passed round during the ceremony, allowing us all to make a wish for the couple as we held them. After, asked my son what he’d wished for. He replied, “I misunderstood & wished for a puppy.”
Waiter, Waiter, I would like some lamb chops and make them lean.
Certainly Sir, forwards or backwards?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
You can’t satisfy me in bed,
you’re not 7 pillows.
*stands up fast
weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
Withholding sex from you people isn’t working.
The moral of Pinocchio is that lying is only bad if it’s really obvious.
They say you should eat 6 small meals a day to lose weight so being an overachiever I have been eating 26 a day.