@simoncholland

One tricky thing about kids crying is trying to determine if they broke a crayon or got their arm stuck in a piece of farming equipment.

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@caithuls

DATE: I like someone with a good sense of humor

ME: Ah ok I don’t have that one but I got like touch and smell and so on

@om_eye_goodness

internet stranger: hey you’re so sexy wanna role play?

me: sure, you be Bruce Willis at the end of Armageddon.

@climaxximus

date: tell me about yourself

me: I want to kill the moon

date: I have a bit of a dark side too

me: [narrows eyes]

@AmericanGent69

Yesterday I watched a YouTube tutorial on how to install a chandelier.

Today I’m watching a YouTube tutorial on how to clean up after a chandelier fire.

@darinlovesbacon

The Never Ending Story should’ve been a movie about a phone call from my Mother

@VancityReynolds

I’d walk through fire for my daughter. Well not FIRE, because it’s dangerous. But a super humid room. But not too humid, because my hair.

@skedaddle74

Listen, I’m all about neighborliness, but if you ring my bell one more time at 7am just to inform me you received my newspaper

I. Will. Boil. Your. Rabbit.

@Jarhead44

“Grandpa, I can’t stop thinking about Santa’s sack.”

Me: Aww, sweetie. Run along now. Grandpa has to put that on the internet.

@BlindChow

“You’re attachment is too large,” my computer tells me.

I blush. “My eyes are up here,” I respond coyly.

@TheRolo

And I will strike down upon thee with great vengeance…

Barista: Sir your Caffè Mocha is ready.

Me: Oh ok nevermind.