One venti cheeseburger please.
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Her: Who ate all the ice cream?
Me: *blaming the dog* Reese
Her: What? How?
Me: Witherspoon
People are writing condolences on my Grandma’s Facebook that sound more like Yelp reviews of her. Great woman, very loving, 5/5 stars
My boyfriend literally has no problem making friends with anybody…
It’s funny, when I walk into a spider web I demolish his home and misplace his dinner yet I still feel like the victim.
british twitter be like “oi, you bought a blue tick for 11 pounds innit m8 🤣”
At the bank and the teller asked the guy in front of me “how are you doing” and he took a deep breath and said “not great my cat f****ng hates me”
So it’s my turn and I go “that was the weirdest thing I’ve heard waiting in line here” and the teller says “I’ve met his cat. She does hate him.”
What is happening?
GENIE: You have three wishes.
ME: I wish I had a million dollars.
GENIE: Granted. You had a million dollars.
Yup.
GF: just FYI, my dad teaches at the Naval Academy
[meeting her parents]
ME: [lifting up shirt] does my belly button look weird to you?
“Stay out of the heat & stay hydrated.”
Thank you news-anchor. It’s my first summer.
Sorry I packed all your things up and put them outside when you said you were leaving.
I didn’t hear “to work.”
Manslaughter. The sound of a man laughing?
BOSS: do you know why I called you today?
ME: because I work on Thursdays?
BOSS: no it’s because- wait what no you work every day
ME: wow you should call more
HER: i can’t be with a guy who thinks he’s Optimus Prime
ME: i can change, Becky
HER:
ME: into a semi truck
I can tell when I’m not wanted. I’m not gonna leave or anything but I can tell.
my toxic trait is saying to myself “it’s only $20” 1500 times a week
Enough with emails already. I’m only conducting business communication by Snapchat from now on.
robbers: [leaving with my tv]
me: WAIT
robbers:
me: can you close the door
(Ok don’t let her know ur Jesus)
Girl: Meet my dad
*they shake hands*
*Dad stands up from wheelchair*
Dad: It’s a miracle!
Jesus: *facepalm*
Desperate, I pull a goose from my bag and throw it screaming into the bully’s face. Gertrude, my biggest and angriest goose, destroys him.
[Dramatically turning from the jukebox and flipping my collar]
“May I have this dance?”
[Who Let The Dogs Out starts blaring]
[in hell journal day 211]
I’ve asked if it was hot in here 932 times in 211 days. the dark lord is angry but he has nowhere else to send me
In a world full of Christmas fruitcakes, be a cheese ball
Jesus: Go forth. You are now fishers of men.
Peter: *harpoons a guy*
Jesus: Too literal, bro.
i just really want crab legs
..not to eat or anything, no, i just wanna scuttle across the floor and see who runs in terror from me
I’d kill for a body like that BUT I WILL NOT EXERCISE FOR IT
As a dad, you’re required to ask your neighbor “You gonna do mine next?” when you see them raking leaves.
Some of y’all tweet about Mondays like it caught you by surprise
Why aren’t more people talking about this?
Welcome to Mixed Metaphor Day: it ain’t rocket surgery guys