@JennyJohnsonHi5

One way to find out if you’re old is to fall down in front of a group of people. If they laugh, you’re young, if they panic, you’re old.

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@AmnesiaRose

Yes you impress me but so does a new set of windshield wipers.

@Cheeseboy22

One thing you learn how to quickly do as a parent is to pretend to not have any money when you walk by vending machines.

@Serrano___

Flight attendant: Is there a doctor on this flight?

Dad: *nudging me* that should’ve been you

Me: Not now Dad

Dad: Not asking for a bilingual journalist to help, are they?

Flight attendant: We need a Spanish translator

Me: *puts book down*

@anna5skin

my mom and my little brother switched phones and my mom received this text and I am crying lmaooo

@sugarwits

Doctor: You need to cut out orange juice in the morning.

Me: Because of all the sugar?

D: No, because of all the champagne.

@CAshmanActor

[job interview]
interviewer: any weaknesses?
death star: only a little one

@lamefactory

911, what’s your emergency?
What do you mean you’ve been stabbed?
People can’t do that, that’s illegal.

@TheMongoose69

When I push a door that clearly says pull, it serves as a harsh reminder that I’d make a terrible midwife.