@JennyJohnsonHi5

One way to find out if you’re old is to fall down in front of a group of people. If they laugh, you’re young, if they panic, you’re old.

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@AngieMaxwell1

Found the kid playing with her dog instead of Zooming with her teacher. She told me not to worry. She took a screenshot of herself “paying attention,” then cut her video & replaced it with the picture. “It’s a gallery view of 20 kids, mom. They can’t tell.” She is 10. #COVID19

@lizetagge

Men can read maps better than women. Cause only the male mind could conceive of one inch equalling a hundred miles.

@InternetHippo

If you feel hopeless about the world and your place in it, I can recommend something. Turn off all electronic devices, close your eyes, and sit still for 5 minutes. It won’t help, but now you’re 5 minutes closer to being dead and not having to worry about it.

@cambuslad

You know you’re getting old when you scroll down the birthday drop down menu … And it starts going into Roman Numerals.

@Doc_Jyoti

Women’s Magazines:

Pg 1. You’re beautiful and perfect just the way you are
Pg 2. How to lose 20kg in 10 days.

@Vodkantots

A taser, but for people who say, “everything happens for a reason.”

@CamusOverEasy

If you took the Facebook IQ Test and it determined you’re a Genius, the fact that you participated in a Facebook test negates the results.