Yes you impress me but so does a new set of windshield wipers.
One way to find out if you’re old is to fall down in front of a group of people. If they laugh, you’re young, if they panic, you’re old.
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One thing you learn how to quickly do as a parent is to pretend to not have any money when you walk by vending machines.
Flight attendant: Is there a doctor on this flight?
Dad: *nudging me* that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Not asking for a bilingual journalist to help, are they?
Flight attendant: We need a Spanish translator
Me: *puts book down*
I bought my dog a toy cell phone, now it takes him 45 minutes to shit.
my mom and my little brother switched phones and my mom received this text and I am crying lmaooo
Doctor: You need to cut out orange juice in the morning.
Me: Because of all the sugar?
D: No, because of all the champagne.
How do stick men play fetch with their dog?
interviewer: any weaknesses?
death star: only a little one
911, what’s your emergency?
What do you mean you’ve been stabbed?
People can’t do that, that’s illegal.
When I push a door that clearly says pull, it serves as a harsh reminder that I’d make a terrible midwife.