One way to handle social anxiety is to pretend you are a ghost & people are staring at you because they have a gift they never asked for

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Flight attendant: Before landing, please make sure all small electronic items are secure

Me: *whispering to my tamagotchi* do you feel safe, bud?


a:2:{i:0;a:5:{s:4:”user”;s:6:”kaz474″;s:5:”image”;s:90:”http://a0.twimg.com/profile_images/3724614596/fcd3cb35f126d08ed3b0fad9c2d79ba5_bigger.jpeg”;s:6:”id_str”;s:18:”258757088577191937″;s:7:”retweet”;s:2:”61″;s:5:”tweet”;s:87:”Some people seem to take the question “how stupid can you be?” as a personal challenge.”;}s:7:”retweet”;i:0;}


(CPR class)

Wife to instructor: What if my knees start to hurt?

Me to instructor: See what I’m up against?


Customer: Hey I ordered a dozen bagels and you gave me thirteen.

Very Stubborn Baker: No that was on purpose.


[at library]
ME: Yes, I’d like to Czech out a book on eastern Europe.
LIBRARIAN: 3rd floor
ME: Get it?
L: This is dialog, I’m not reading it


Mom taught us that “shut up” was the worst thing you could ever say to someone. But I had bigger dreams.


Brenda from work unfollowed me on here so now I have to follow her around the office all day reading my tweets like a news broadcaster


bananaphobia: when you don’t have any nagging fears but your therapist puts you on the spot so you pick whatever you had for breakfast


[at the spelling bee]

moderator: your word is parole

me: can you use it in a sentence?

moderator: depends what you’re in for


THEM: Let’s head down to Paradise City. I heard the girls are really hot there.

ME: What’s the grass situation?