One way to tell if what you’re watching isn’t really news is if the person is shouting at you.
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Going to church you guys need anything
“Misinformation” oh you mean lies, just say that
My wife just opened my car door for me.
Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.
GENIE: and for your first wish?
ME: I wish that the end of every bag of chips was the start of another
GENIE: holy shit!
me: how do i tell my wife i want a divorce?
wife: not like this
Shortly after firing up my Toro Power Sweep, I begin thinking of myself as a “leaf herder” and realize I need to get out more often.
*scream sings THERE GOES MY HERO*
Co-Worker: Can I get a quick word?
Me: Velocity.
Co-Worker: …
law professor: you’re currently failing your ethics class
me: *slides a $20 across the desk* how about now
math teacher: I said to bring your protractor to class
boy with cowboy hat: I’m just a good old fashioned country boy, I ain’t need nothin fancy, this simple tractor should do the job just fine ma’am
If there’s a red flag followed by several more flags, all in different bright colors, you got yourself a clown.
My dribbled milkshake stains bring all the dry cleaners to my yard
Every generation gets the Batman it deserves, not the Batman that it wants, and then two additional Batmans.
I would rather have a 100 poisonous spiders dumped on my naked body than a second date.
Me: So that’s a no?
National Ex Spouse Day fell in the middle of Serial Killer Week, coincidence?
Why don’t they just get Jehovah’s Witnesses to deliver the mail?
all i want is to be as happy as this potato
Netflix to unveil new ad sponsored content in a move that industry executives call “Television.”
[meeting at the headquarters of literally any app]
good morning everyone, let’s get started. the first and only item on our agenda is, how do we make this app worse
Tomorrow is Jesus’ birthday. I got him an Xbox. Keeping it at my house until I see him.
[at restaurant]
Table for two please.
“Do you have reservations?”
Yes, this place looks like a dump but I’m hungry.
If you’re a zombie, all trucks are food trucks
Skeletons are a weird costume cuz you already got one of those in your body you’re pretty much a bone oreo with skin frosting dude
Saying “have a nice day” to someone sounds friendly, but saying “enjoy your next 24 hours” sounds threatening.
こいつ天才
Writing, She Murdered.
If it weren’t for this whole job thingy that pays me money I’d become a professional nap taker.
Me: Should I be concerned that this tomato was genetically modified?
Tomato: No.
me: “i taught the dog to bark when someone lies”
wife: “i dont care about that, do you like my haircut?”
me: [slowly covers the dog’s ears]
My six year old just hissed at me. I’m either doing this parenting thing right, or horribly, horribly wrong.