A wedding is like inviting your family and friends to the dock to watch you leave England on the Titanic.
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My excitement about your Indian food is largely dependent on your pronunciation of “cumin”.
If you can’t afford anal beads eat marbles and wait
dry january is so funny. people are like how can i make the worst month of the year even worse
It is easier to pass a camel through the eye of a needle than it is to convince somebody online that they are wrong.
Online recipes have finally added a jump to the recipe button. Now if blogs could add a jump to the point button, life would be golden.
No matter what country you’re from, how you identify yourself or what you believe in, you’ve tried to move objects with your mind before.
Little known fact: the eye is actually the least dangerous part of the entire tiger
[ first day in funeral home ]
me: *gently placing hand on widow’s lap* this is your husband’s it fell off
She’s only nine, but my daughter sings Adele like she’s already been through countless devastating break-ups
Airport security: no liquids on the plane
Me: ok *starts drinking it*
Airport security: people usually just throw away the shampoo
Me: *writhing sexily* So, you hot and bothered yet?
Wife: I’m definitely bothered
Freak parents out on Facebook by posting, “Just read a health article about how a camera flash causes diabetes in kids under the age of 10.”
We were watching The Discovery Channel on the couch.
I was naked.
She was afraid.
I guess I should have probably introduced myself first.
I’ll be like “I’m just gonna go take a quick look around the bookstore” and come back weeks later in flowing white robes having defeated a Balrog
[dangling from a cliff] now let’s do a silly one
Really want to try out a career in tracing, or something along those lines.
The platypus is what happens when you take a perfectly good concept and send it to network executives for notes.
I just hope the government doesn’t have my Angry Birds scores. All in all they’re pretty embarassing.
I took my 5y/o to a protest hoping to get a woke-baby quote from him but instead he said “cool, a yelling party” and then screamed for a bit
My fiancée loves to say she’s color blind, yet anytime starbursts are being eaten in the car I get passed the orange and yellow
ART TEACHER: Why have you painted the water green again? It looks-
ME: I’m bringing *puts on sunglasses* Shrek sea back
AT: You’re expelled
We only rate dogs. This is very clearly an Egyptian Shadow Giraffe. Please be more careful. Only send in dogs. Thank you… 13/10
Accidentally searched “how fast does a stool softener work” in the Zoom chat.
Was out on the golf course and shot an eagle at Hole 9. Mom doesn’t believe me, but wait till she sees the eagle.
If you see a kid who’s physically unusual somehow, be sure to mention it to the parents. Odds are, they’ve never noticed and will thank you.
I asked Alexa to play the Encanto soundtrack and I swear I heard her sigh
Me: WHOOMP! there it is.
Detective: Please stop saying that every time you find a clue.
“shark infested waters”…. you mean their home????😭
Lady and the Tramp spaghetti scene except it’s me throat punching you for trying to eat my food.
If you immediately tell new people you meet you’re allergic to chocolate, you can eat all of their candy bars when they aren’t looking.