@drnelk

Onion rings.

What sounds do other vegetables make?

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@Hormonella

Wish I could focus on anything with even half the intensity of my dog watching me eat yogurt.

@LeahPeah4

From now on non fiction and fiction books shall be referred to as Fo Reals and Not Fo Reals. Pls pass along,

@ella__fraser

“We need to talk”

*stop, drops and rolls
*Army crawls out of the room

@thelateinnings

[cross-country trip]

me: can you take over for a while, i am going to lie down in the back and take a nap

passenger: sir i’m not licensed to drive a bus

@Moi_RaRa

Reasons Why us girls cry:

happy: 5%
sad: 5%

Who the hell knows!!: 90%

@reallifemommy3

I love going places just to spend the entire time taking my kids to the bathroom

@o__0Dev

Are you watching too much T.V but not doing enough reading? Turn your subtitles on. Boom, problem solved!

@RealChrisChirdo

“I won’t vaccinate my kids! It’s not healthy and full of dangerous preservatives!!!”

*gives kid a pop tart for breakfast*

@AimeeHelene1

I keep people from talking to me by picking up leaves off the ground and eating them.

@Contwixt

THE EXORCIST (1973) An incompetent priest botches a routine case.