Onion rings.

What sounds do other vegetables make?

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Wish I could focus on anything with even half the intensity of my dog watching me eat yogurt.


From now on non fiction and fiction books shall be referred to as Fo Reals and Not Fo Reals. Pls pass along,


“We need to talk”

*stop, drops and rolls
*Army crawls out of the room


[cross-country trip]

me: can you take over for a while, i am going to lie down in the back and take a nap

passenger: sir i’m not licensed to drive a bus


Reasons Why us girls cry:

happy: 5%
sad: 5%

Who the hell knows!!: 90%


I love going places just to spend the entire time taking my kids to the bathroom


Are you watching too much T.V but not doing enough reading? Turn your subtitles on. Boom, problem solved!


“I won’t vaccinate my kids! It’s not healthy and full of dangerous preservatives!!!”

*gives kid a pop tart for breakfast*


I keep people from talking to me by picking up leaves off the ground and eating them.


THE EXORCIST (1973) An incompetent priest botches a routine case.