@roxiqt

ONLINE BOYFRIEND: “Why do you have so many socks?”

ME: [hiding my octopus tentacles while on webcam] “Haha, no reason. They are just fun to have.”

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@Paxochka

Keep your friends close and your enemies under the front wheels of your vehicle.

@fro_vo

TOP 10 ANIMAL OPPOSITES

pencilguin
richcupine
legadillo
cantgaroo
dogerpillar
noneigator
stoprilla
goodger
tellthetruthon
uncleeater

@papasuncle

coworker: you alright?
me: my lunch isn’t agreeing with me.
my lunch: global warming is a myth

@TomE83_

I’ll love you until the end of the egg timer.

@FunnyBison

Witches were never burned in the South because it led to too many arguments over BBQ techniques.

@Rollmaninoz

*Drops son at preschool*
Son: I love you daddy
*tears up*
*3pm picks son up*
S: love you Ms H, love you stuffed toy
Me: oh I see how it is

@AndrewNadeau0

INTERVIEWER: What happened at your last job?
ME: I was fired for being too literal.
I: How have you supported yourself since then?
M: Legs.

@serendipitydon1

“Don’t you dare. Don’t you lick it. Don’t! Do not lick the butter,” I yell threateningly at the cat.