Keep your friends close and your enemies under the front wheels of your vehicle.
ONLINE BOYFRIEND: “Why do you have so many socks?”
ME: [hiding my octopus tentacles while on webcam] “Haha, no reason. They are just fun to have.”
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“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
” Yes, we arson.”
TOP 10 ANIMAL OPPOSITES
coworker: you alright?
me: my lunch isn’t agreeing with me.
my lunch: global warming is a myth
I’ll love you until the end of the egg timer.
Witches were never burned in the South because it led to too many arguments over BBQ techniques.
*Drops son at preschool*
Son: I love you daddy
*3pm picks son up*
S: love you Ms H, love you stuffed toy
Me: oh I see how it is
INTERVIEWER: What happened at your last job?
ME: I was fired for being too literal.
I: How have you supported yourself since then?
“Don’t you dare. Don’t you lick it. Don’t! Do not lick the butter,” I yell threateningly at the cat.