Online dating has its good points. You can choose your own name, lie through your teeth and you can’t smell their breath.
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Me: tushy tushy!
Fencing partner: IT’S PRONOUNCED TOU- *I stab him*
If I don’t stick to my diet, people are going to start calling me the last chairbender.
ME: my bald eagle is very sick, I think he needs to be put down
VET: that’s illegal
ME: yes I said that
[dad accidentally steps on the dog]
I’m sorry girl, I didn’t see you. Are you ok?[dad accidentally steps on me]
Why are you on the floor?!
The school had a plant sale and at pickup I heard the mom of a little girl with 2 small plants say “That’s all you got?? I gave you $60!”
We are all that mom.
Listen if vampires don’t age or whatever then why aren’t there any films about vampires set in a future where we all live in space??? Space Vampires?! Do I have to do everything around here
“Needs to be punchier” — someone who has no idea what they want and wants you to figure it out
Got kicked off from Instagram for eating my food before posting a pic of it.
My daughter and I were in a drive thru and the lady said, “She headed to a photo shoot?” And I said, “She’s actually on her way to court.”
She looked surprised so I said, “She’s not in trouble, she’s a lawyer.” And she said, “Well if she was in trouble she wouldn’t be for long.”
Yous guys keep her distracted. I do the rest. Got it?
I dream of writing a fat woman’s cookbook. I’ll call it, “50 Shades of Gravy.”
My cuz stole some money, landed in jail, wanted to fight everyone and threatened to shoot people, so that was the end of our Monopoly game.
Bobby pin
gm
[first date]
ME:
HIM:
*20 minutes later*
ME: how about we text each other
HIM: *already typing*
[first date]
Him: I love Asian girls
Me: [trying to act all Asian]
*smiles
*starts sweating
*attempts to pick up chopsticks
*fumbles
*chopstick goes flying
*stabs him in the eyeHim: No, not like that
What do you get when you cross a centipede with a parrot?
A walkie-talkie.
#RubbishJokes #FridayMorning
I’ve had to repeat everything I’ve said to Alexa today like we’re married.
[first date]
Me: I’m a very reserved person
Me: [5 minutes later] if aliens abducted me no one would miss me
My signature move is asking a co-worker wearing a suit on dress down Fridays, “how did the job interview go?” in front of everyone.
Given the number of tampon’s wrappers in our trash either my wife is searching for the 1 with a Golden Ticket or shit just got real.
Absolutely noone:
Americans: I took French at school but all I can remember is fromage.
wait did that Australian guy say “meteorite” or “mate are ya alright?”
*gets hit by a meteorite*
“hey mate are ya alri… no you’re dead*
The rare times my cat comes to me for affection, I run and hide under the bed, so she knows what that feels like.
CO-WORKER: Ten minutes until quitting time!
ME: Wow, you’re resigning too?
*wakes up from 20 year coma*
SHIT, MY TAMOGOTCHI
[job interview]
HR: *reading medical history* it says here you’re a former addict?
Me: *snorting lines off the desk* typo
I’m smoking about a pack of Canadian Wildfires a day
Owls can make clicking noises with their tongues, often as part of a threat display.
🔊
Here’s the complete list of must have items for a middle aged woman when travelling away from home:
– Tweezers