Grateful to the visionary who saw beans that had only been fried one time and thought, “this isn’t enough.”
Online dating has its good points. You can choose your own name, lie through your teeth and you can’t smell their breath.
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Listen guys, if a 5yo comes up to you and asks if it’s true that zombies won’t eat kids who eat their broccoli, BACK ME UP, DAMN IT.
GOD: it’s time I punished the humans again
JESUS: cool. flood or plague?
GOD:[watching The Apprentice] oh I’ve something way worse in mind..
Boy, are you a destination wedding? Cuz I can’t come.
When a barista dies coffee beans are placed on each eye before they float down a frappuccino river to forever misspell the names of the dead
Sometimes I get road rage waiting for my son to finish his story.
Okay, kids, listen closely cause I’m only gonna say this 257,000 more times.
Sorry I yelled, “Sweep the leg!” when you got down on one knee to propose to your girlfriend.
But I stand by my advice.
[out in public]
Me: A kid is crying.
Wife: It’s not one of ours.
[we fist bump]
Me: [giving eulogy] He was a good man. He was a kind man. He was born to the blade, and merciless. He had a secret robot arm that shot out the side of his head. He was nine inches tall and invisible on Tuesdays. He wanted you to know the truth let go of me they need to hear this