Online dating has its good points. You can choose your own name, lie through your teeth and you can’t smell their breath.
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I wasted too much money on three pairs of purple camouflage pants.
7: Dad what does this word mean
Me: Bring me a dictionary
*Smack up side the head
Me: Now go google that shit
So much has changed in such a short period of time. But whoa is still spelled whoa.
*sliding dj $4.65 in nickels* do you have the jurassic park theme?
I just screamed at the dog to pitch in and do more to help us through this crisis like the WW 2 generation. How’s everyone else holding up?
I wont play GI Joes with my nephew until he learns to play it right. He’s 4 years old, he should know better than to drag Vader into this.
waiter: would you like a box
me: how is it prepared
17: Do you know what school Scooper goes to?
Me: Who?
17: Scooper.
Me: Again, who?
17: Landlord’s son.
Me: COOPER?!
17: I thought it was Scooper, I’ve called him that for 5 years.
I’ve got just over 13 hours to lose 35 pounds and finish a novel
Me: Both of our hamsters died and we just can’t part with them
Taxidermist: Would you like them mounted?
Me: Um no, just holding hands
Me: “God! I hate people!”
God: “Yeah, me too.”
When I was little I asked God for a bike. He didn’t deliver so I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness instead.
Dec. 21st Xmas shopping: guy to other guy, “Does she wear earrings?” Long pause. Other guy, ” I don’t know.”
CNN: President Obama Saves The Life Of A Choking Child.
FOX: Failed President Obama Tries To Take Jobs Away From Hard Working EMS Workers.
I let my dog watch “Fifty Shades Of Grey” and he loved it….Which surprised me because, he hated the book.
can’t wait til they legalize outside
Human: what’s up with all the anal probes?
Alien: [shrugs] seems like most of your species keeps their head up there.
Sometimes parenting means asking the tough questions like “why is there a rock in the refrigerator?”
My son turned 8 yesterday. I’m killin’ it at this parenting thing.
[screaming from my front porch] You teens get off my lawn and register to vote!
RIDDLER: What has–
BATMAN: A gazebo
ROBIN: Matches
RIDDLER: Let me finish-
BM: A paperweight
R: Dental floss
RIDDLER: I hate you guys
Just watched a video in which a young lady referred to some shoes from the 90s as “vintage” so you can go ahead and shovel the dirt over me now
Setting my alarm for April Fools day so I remember not to trust my loved ones, and finally have a reason for it.
Someone added the GameCube intro to my unemployment graph & it’s significantly better now.
COACH: You miss 100% of the shots you take.
ME: You mean, don’t take?
COACH: No. You are, by far, the worst athlete I have ever seen.
WHY DOES THIS BOTTLE OF BODY WASH HAVE DIRECTIONS PRINTED ON IT
wayward son: alright, i’m done, where’s the pizza
kansas: no we said PEACE when-
wayward son: you’re screwing with me right
Is age 14 too old to leave your kid on a doorstep?
When they say “we are in an oversell situation and we’re offering $200 for passengers with flexible travel plans” I am absolutely the person who stands up and says “legally they have to give you 400% your ticket price. Don’t take less than $1300!! Everyone HOLD”.