Online dating rule: If we meet up offline, and you look nothing like your pictures, then you’re buying me drinks until you do.
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What is it about a freshly scrubbed toilet that activates my bowels!?
One day ISIS is going to screw up and accidentally hit ‘add your location’ to a tweet.
What’s that? You want to hear my impression of an owl that repeats itself?
Well I couldn’t give two hoots.
My parents let me watch Grease constantly when I was a kid & then they were all, whoa why is our teenager always super drunk in tight pants?
*Mary Poppins voice*
Ok, children! Time to go!
[15 min later]
*Batman voice*
I said let’s go.
On the first day of Christmas my 2yo gave to me…
A cold that will last all week
Mans got denied a plate and walked off. 😂😂😂
I can’t tell if my baby is a slow clapper or is starting a slow clap to mock my parenting.
ants in the garden ? Run a hose from your bbq gas cylinder and put it into the ants nest and turn it on, just a little, removed hose and carefully light the hole… what could possibly go wrong??
Sick of people telling me to “calm down” and “release the hostages.”
Daddy will my cockatoo go to heaven?
– Heaven is a place of serenity and joy, right?
*nods, wiping tear*
– Then Mr. Shrieks won’t be there.
me: how many trees do you see in this picture?
my toddler: all of them.
It may seem that your dog wants to give you a kiss but he really just wants to know if you had peanut butter for dinner
I’m smart but not “figure out how to turn off all the lights in this hotel room” smart
if your religion infringes on people’s rights; sorry, you’ve had hundreds of years to change everyone’s mind- obviously that hasn’t happened
#SCOTUS one-star review
“Treat her like a princess” everybody said.
Then they get mad when I marry her off to a cousin from a neighboring country for political gain.
Tell me again why was it necessary to dress as Snow White & bring a basket of eggs to the delivery?
The horror and trauma of explaining homosexuality to a child, as told by an internet mom.
According to customer service I can not bring sexy back…
Without the receipt, apparently.
The human body is 90% water, so we’re basically just cucumbers with anxiety.
*Remembering the time I took a picture of myself every day for a year without removing the lens cap*
Perks of dating me: You will be the hot one
Hey man, best wishes. And I’m not just saying that because I’d be the number one suspect if something happened to you.
😲 WTF? 😆
Spent a summer in Rome, so I’m fluent in dropping that into conversation
telling my wife that netflix is voice enabled and watching her scream “I’M STILL HERE!” repeatedly at the television has maybe been the greatest five minutes of my life
It’d be nice if the married people would leave some of the single people for the rest of the single people.
I’m praying for you…
So if a bird shits on your car right after you wash it…
That’s from me
The idea is to just keep scrolling on your phone until you die.