Instesd of avoiding typos, embrance them. No one will pint them out if you spell everythinj wring.
You Might Also Like
Cashier: I love your lip gloss!
Me: Thanks, it’s food court teriyaki chicken glaze.
slapping people across the face with a glove and challenging them to a duel is a good way to end an argument at work.
Damm August got somewhere to be don’t it
Im at the swamp does anyone need anything
“Pretend to be someone you’re not and receive candy.” Quick: Halloween or Valentine’s Day?
Hey kids, for Halloween, let’s go to a spooooky place full of scaaaary, oppressive people & a guy who riiiises from the dead!
Kids: Church?
The idea of a fight club with rules is ridiculous. My fight club can’t even keep track of the snack chart.
Apparently I’m only fluent in English until it comes time to leave a voicemail
No one wants to publish my erratic fiction.
Most women desire someone who makes them laugh and also feel safe, so basically a clown ninja.
i gave my 4-year-old bubble wrap from a package and he thanked me for his christmas present. now i can’t stop thinking of all the money i could have saved
Interview Tip #3
speak with confidence but don’t oversell yourself
[later]
Interviewer: what makes you think you’d be good for this role?
Me: *confidently* nothing
SHOUTOUT TO LIBRARIANS! (*sorry*)
So disappointed that they canceled the New York City Marathon. This was going to be the year I lied about running it.
37yo husband just bought himself clothes from Hollister. Please keep my family in your thoughts during this difficult time.
3 years ago today I signed up for Twitter. Since then, I’ve walked into 8 light poles, stepped on 5 cats and looked up from my phone twice.
i’m awake! please respect my privacy during this very difficult time
BOSS: you’re fired
ME: is it because I won’t take no for an answer?
BOSS: no
ME: is it because I won’t take no for an answer?
Me: Anyone else get the feeling their being watched?
…
CIA: They’re*
Before arbys gets sucked into the sun with the rest of the earth and everything you’ve ever known or loved, please come eat some of our crap
Forcibly throwing positive energy your way out of spite.
if you watch Titanic from d back; it’s about dead people resurrecting from the sea, pulling up a ship fixing it and sailing to England
Maintains eye contact with the cashier as he rings up my gloves, duct tape, knife and tampons
I’ve seen enough movies to know that when you wake up in a hospital bed, you rip all the cords off because you’ve got work to do.
Like anyone has time to sit there and read 12,412 product reviews on Amazon.
[8 hours later]
Yeah, I’m def not buying this pillow.
ME: [holding door for wife]
WIFE: Why can’t we just buy an umbrella?
If you’ve ever fed goats at the farm where they clamber all over you chewing at your clothes, then you know what my kids are like when I pull out some string cheese
i don’t have a lot of great life advice but one thing i can 100% tell you is don’t be the person sending angry drunk texts after midnight
Phlebotomist: Have you had blood drawn before, sir?
Rambo: *semi-unintelligible* first, first part II, and last