Online shopping is all fun and games until you have to get up and get your credit card from the other room.
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banana bread: bc I’ve got almost $0.08 worth of rotting bananas I don’t want to waste, so I’m going to use $10 of other ingredients
Allow me to introduce you to the most ridiculous yet amazing thing you will see this week.
my mom yesterday: do u work tomorrow
me: yes
my mom today: do u work today
me: yes i already told u
my mom when i’m at work: where are u
[talks about how badass wolves are for 20 mins]
date: can we talk about something else?
[pulls out powerpoint on why wolves are badass] No
FRIEND: How’s the new girlfriend?
ME: She’s a real queen bee.
FRIEND: *rolls eyes* Haha. Suuure.
*a faint buzzing from my pocket*
ME: Dude, she’s right here.
I remember when Dulux were just a small company selling paint brushes. Now they’re hue mongers!
Johnny Depp always looks like he is just as confused by his “accent”
That old expression: “hold the phone!” doesn’t work anymore because everyone is already doing that
Inside the heads of four JCrew models.
Judas: The one I kiss is Jesus Christ.
Soldier: You can just point to him.
Judas: (putting on lip-balm) I don’t tell you how to do your job.
Wife: You’re shirtless?
*nods*
W: And covered in…oil?
-Well, you know how you always say I never glisten?
W: Listen. You never listen.
-Oh
Confession: I’m a fake gamer guy. This gut? Prosthetic. These shorts? Armani. Even this bag of cheetos is filled with healthy baby carrots!
The inside of my closet looks like a doctor prescribed me cardigans
ME: I want the car’s brake lines to rust
SCIENTIST: I’m listening
ME: [slides over envelope full of cash] But make it look like an oxidant
Due to Corona, we officially have three days of the week
1. Yesterday
2. Today
3. Tomorrow
genetics is so weird, like i got my mom’s eyes and my dad’s talent for tax fraud
is it pronounced stephen or stefan? anyways he’s now pronounced dead, sorry about your dad kid *ruffles hair*
Engineer: A short circuit in the deer’s nose could cause it to glow red hot. Yes, it’s dangerous.
But should we recall, the most famous reindeer of all?
Travelers diarrhea is my favorite illness. You cheat at basketball you get what’s coming to you.
Ate a healthy dinner, so I’m having pringles for dessert.
Her: mmmm Look at all this cheesy goodness.
Him: (a rat) Only from the finest mousetraps my love.
*throws away a paper clip I haven’t used in 20 years*
[2 seconds later]
Shit I need a paper clip
the fondue…? you mean, my drinking cheese?
[walking down street with date after dinner]
him: i had a great time
me: yep… [gestures towards garbage truck] welp, this is me [jumps in]
Customer: “I’d like to buy a bagel with cream cheese.”
Me: “Sorry, we only take cash or credit card.”
Manager:“I need to see you in my office.
I wish I hadn’t bought so much Encyclopedia Britannica stock in 1999.
There is no bigger asshole than someone that takes an animal that can fly and puts it in a cage to stand on a stick.
Fact:
“Intercourse” sounds more like it’s about vehicular traffic than sex.