Best mom ever 馃槀
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When they ask if you got a minute and then you sit and watch the typing bubbles for 15 min.
I made the obviously poor decision to only eat half of my burrito and now the other half won’t stop staring at me
Him: I’m sorry, can we start over?
Me: great idea! You introduce yourself, and this time I’ll keep walking.
Don’t worry. Your secret is safe with me, I won’t say a word about your “wenital werpes” *winks*
“I’m disguising all my tweets as Marilyn Monroe quotes from now on.”
-Marilyn Monroe
The only thing more annoying than vegans who won’t shut up about being vegan is people who aren’t vegan who won’t shut up about vegans
What does Frankenstein drive?
A monster truck
I laughed and my gum shot out of my mouth, but I caught it with my hand and my lightning reflexes, so….be a cooler idiot
I’d like to live in a small town where they still do festivals, play fun games and raffles, bake pies and other delicious food, and sacrifice to the Gods..
[at checkout counter]
Would ya like to donate $1 to-
-No
But you didn’t let me finish
-Is it $1 toward you shutting your mouth?
No
-Then no
I just went grocery shopping so takeout it is.
[first day of quidditch practice]
Remember kids, witches get snitches.
20’s me: heartburn, I don’t believe it exists
30’s: ope, I think that might have been heartburn
40’s: orange juice is a drink for young people
Saturday
ME: [sitting on iphone] europe. europe. EUROPE. europe
[5 hrs later]
ME: ok fine maybe ur right
WIFE: what did you think airplane mode meant
Ate shrooms & I feel nothing. Just an awful taste in my mouth. Also the dealer overcharged me. Also he’s a centaur with spiders for lips
My boss just farted. I asked him if he was trying to get the condom out. He’s mad now.
Thinking of having kids? Practice getting small children ready to play in the snow by wrestling a pair of gloves onto an angry octopus.
*orders pepperoni pizza*
Her: you need to start taking better care of yourself.
*calls back, adds mushrooms*
garage sales are a great place to find extra stuff for you to throw away when you move
I am now referring to my parents as numbers like you guys refer to your kids.
72 & 70 are coming to visit, send wine.
“You should only have to tell them once”
– People with no children
GHOSTBUSTER: so wait, you called us because your neighbor painted his fence purple?
ME: it’s strange, weird, and it doesn’t look good鈥攜our lyrics couldn’t be more clear about this
hookup culture actually helps a lot of people clean their bedrooms
I don’t understand people who do things on weekends. You just did things all week. What’s next, more things?? That’s how they get you
I hate that when something is difficult, people say “it’s no picnic,” as if picnics are just some walk in the park.
Last night my wife was watching Marie Kondo, this morning I woke up on the curb.
if god isn鈥檛 real then where did I get this PS5 from hmm? That鈥檚 right I stole it from Kevin while he was at church THANKS JESUS
GOD: did u eat from the tree of knowledge?
ADAM: no鈥t was my girlfriend
GOD: who?
ADAM: u don’t know her she goes to a different school
If I had a time machine I鈥檇 bring all the Home Depot skeletons I could find to the Victorian age and surround a village with them while they all slept