Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

@_ElvishPresley_

[Horsemen tryouts]

APOCALYPSE: I like u guys but I only need 4

*Death, War, Famine, Conquest & Steve look at each other*

STEVE: dang it

@MicheleAKALips

I suspected my marriage was in trouble when I’d meet my husband for dinner then we would both race home to make out with the babysitter.

@pleatedjeans

[angrily holding cookie under milk for way too long]
Yo whatcha doin bro?
[looks him dead in the eye]
practicing for you

@meganamram

In my opinion it’s the aborted fetus’ fault for not carrying a gun for protection

@Gre_Gone

[coming through customs]
Okay Sir 1 last thing before we’re done. Is there anything you’d like to declare?
*slams passport*
“I’ve had sex.”

@daemonic3

Stopped drinking coffee 3 days ago, and feel less and less addicted to caffeine with every new cup of my own pee.

@HavocMantis

Whenever I work out, I wear a push-up bra so I can do more push-ups. If I didn’t, it’d be so embarrassing and people would laugh at me.

@Breadery

Things I learnt from Avatar:

– Kill Smurfs while they’re still young.

@theshantilly

“I’m supes scared & all alone & in my underwear. What’s that noise in the basement? I should totes go check it out.”

– Virgins tonight

@eddie_ferrero

NEIGHBOR: Is that your dog running around your yard?
ME: No. That’s a fence.