@GinGander

Only 1 in 6 Americans can find Ukraine on a map…
Putin is fixing the issue
by just calling it all “Russia”.

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@LizHackett

My husband’s coming home from a work trip, so I’m putting dishes in the sink to make it look like I didn’t eat toast on a paper towel for five days.

@theveganqueen

the worst part about being vegan is having to get up early to milk the almonds

@theblowout

my interventions would be so much more effective if every single reason i drink wasn’t there

@primawesome

I haven’t had bread in 3 weeks. I look great but now all I think about is bread. I’m basically a duck at this point.

@FKACornshucks

This one time, a work colleague declared The Avengers to be a better film than The Dark Knight.

That was a busy day in HR, I can tell you.

@LifeThrewLemons

7:01 AM: D̶r̶i̶n̶k̶ ̶c̶o̶f̶f̶e̶e̶ Build your 3 year old a blanket fort.

7:10: D̶r̶i̶n̶k̶ ̶c̶o̶f̶f̶e̶e̶ play house.

7:45: D̶r̶i̶n̶k̶ ̶c̶o̶f̶f̶e̶e̶ Resolve conflict between your 3 year old’s toys.

8:20: D̶r̶i̶n̶k̶ ̶c̶o̶f̶f̶e̶e̶ Fix the blanket fort.

9:00 AM: Drink cold coffee.

@baconacid

Who else does this?

1. wets toothbrush
2. puts toothpaste on toothbrush
3. wets toothbrush again
4. does backflip on to huge pile of money

@FredTaming

HR: you list 911 as your emergency contact

me: i hear they’re the best

@kimtopher22

There’s a fire burning in my heart, no wait, it’s acid reflux, carry on.

@Brampersandon_

[being a caddy at the masters]
GOLFER: *crouched down lining up his putt*
ME (whispering in his ear): whatcha lookin at? a bug?